


The Puzzle

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drinking, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:11:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6588940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has gone missing and Dean is on the edge of destroying himself. Can Sam find a way to save his brother?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Puzzle

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so please be gentle and tell me what you think. I'm also on Tumblr as horrorgirlie. Thank you for reading.

Dean leaned heavily against the wall of the shower, barely feeling the stabs of hot water hitting his chest and forming rivulets down the length of his body. The cold tile on his back was the only thing holding him upright. Every now and then water splashed into the open whiskey bottle he held in his left hand, but he barely noticed that too. He barely noticed anything anymore. With the bottle now empty and the water turning cold , he shut off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist without even bothering to dry off. He turned towards the mirror but instead of moving forward, he looked away. Most days he hated what he saw looking back at him. He stumbled down the hallway into his bedroom and pulled the door shut behind him. Setting the empty bottle on top of his dresser, he fell backwards onto his bed and threw his arm over his eyes. The mattress beneath him soaked the chilling water from his body. He didn't know how long he had been laying there before he glanced at the empty bottle on top of his dresser and cursed under his breath. He stood up and let the towel fall from his hips while he searched blindly for clothes. He wanted to go check the cabinet, hoping that they were stocked up well enough to get him through another night. He padded down the empty hallway as quietly as he could, trying to avoid...

" So get this..." Sam called over his shoulder as he leaned closer to his computer screen and tapped a pen on the open notebook next to him. He didn't hear Dean shuffling into the room behind him as much as he felt it. When Dean didn't respond Sam turned around in his chair to look at his older brother.

" Dean? Everything okay?" He asked, just as he did every day. They hadn't worked a case in months. Dean rarely left the bunker.

Sam had seen Dean in some pretty bad shape, but not like this. Never like this. This was different.

Dean turned his back to Sam and leaned down to peer into the cabinet, hoping that there was at least one bottle in there. He knew that he couldn't ask Sam to go get him more. That would just lead to more questions, more concerned looks from his baby brother. And he, himself, was in no condition to drive. 

"Dean? DEAN? What in the hell is going on."

Finally wrapping his hand around the neck of the glass bottle that he knew would help to numb the emptiness inside of him, he stepped back and turned to face Sam. He knew that he looked wrecked and he knew that Sam was going to was going to want to talk about it. He loved his little brother fiercely. He would go to the ends of the earth for him. He would lay down and die for the kid. Hell, he had. But, now was not the time to talk. He didn't even know what to say. How could he explain to Sam what was going on in his head if he didn't even know himself? How could he answer questions when he didn't have the answers? He contemplated grabbing a glass, but instead he just screwed the cap off and dropped it on the counter as he took a swig straight out of the bottle. When he lowered it, he could feel Sam's eyes on him.

"Dean, is this because Cas..."

"DO NOT BRING THAT UP" Dean growled. "I told you not to bring that up" he said, his voice growing softer.

Sam dropped his head and stared at his feet. He hadn't brought up Cas in weeks. He knew that Dean didn't want to talk about him, but Dean needed to talk about him. "I know Dean, but..."

"Sammy." Dean interrupted, his eyes narrowing as he took another drink. He set the bottle down and turned away from Sam. He leaned back against the counter and rubbed his forehead. The silence was becoming stifling. Sam gazed helplessly at the ceiling.

"Sammy, do you ever think about happiness?" Dean unexpectedly asked.

 

Sam's head dropped and he stared at his brother's back, confused. "I'm not sure what you're asking me here, Dean."

"Do you ever think about happiness? Because I do. But that's all I do. I just think about it. I don't know that I've ever been truly happy Sam."

"That can't be true Dean..."

Dean closed his eyes and leaned further back. If he concentrated hard enough, if he pushed away the world around him, sometimes he could remember the smell of her apple shampoo. The way she sang lullabies to him. The way she always kissed him on the head when she tucked him in at night. But those memories were always so fleeting, nothing more than a glimpse. He knew that he was lucky to even have that glimpse. Sam didn't have those memories. But, Sam had others. Real ones that were palpable and easy to recollect.

"You were happy at Stanford weren't you Sam? Happy with Jess?" Dean regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. It had been years, but Dean knew that even in death, Jess had been the love of Sam's life,"

"Yes Dean, I was happy at Stanford. I was happy with Jess. But, Jess died and I left school. I don't see how any of this is relevant."

"Because you've known happiness and you know how it feels to have it ripped out from under you. So which is worse? To never know it? Or to have it taken away?"

"Where is this coming from Dean? Is it because..."

As Dean turned to face his brother, a flicker of anger crossed his bloodshot eyes. "Don't Sammy, don't go there." he warned.

"Then where can I go? I can't talk about...him. You told me that if I ever brought up Lisa and Ben you would break my nose. How am I supposed to point out times when you might have been happy?" Sam was beyond frustrated at this point. Right now Dean was dangerous, but Dean was only a danger to himself.

"Lisa and Ben? Really Sam? You want to bring them up now? Dean chuckled. Maybe he was finally losing it. "I wasn't happy with Lisa and Ben. Not really. I was doing what I was told to do. Before you jumped into that cage you told me to go find them and live an apple-pie life. I tried Sammy, I tried, but I couldn't. I couldn't be the partner, protector, or father that they needed me to be. I wasn't built for their world. As much as I thought I wanted it...it never felt right. I failed them Sammy. Just like I failed you when I dragged you away from Stanford to help me fight my battle. Not yours, mine." Dean's voice broke, "before dad died I was nothing but a good little soldier, always doing what I was told to do. I was a weapon made of flesh and bone. I knew that even if Dad didn't love me in the way I needed him to, at least he needed me. But since then..." he trailed off. He took another swig from the bottle, rested his arms on the counter and dropped his head into his hands. He finally looked up at Sam, "since then my life has been nothing but one big grudge match. We've searched and we've fought . Most of the time we've won. But how do I win this big match Sammy? The one in my head?" he finished softly.

This was the longest conversation that they'd had in weeks. Sam knew that there was nothing he could say, but he couldn't just stand by and watch the person he cared about most in this world implode. He stood up and took a step towards Dean , racking his brain, but no words would come.

"Yeah Sammy...yeah...I know" Dean said quietly before he slipped the bottle off of the counter and walked away. Sam heard the door to Dean's bedroom shut and he dropped back into the chair . This was worse than he thought. He'd seen the hurt in Dean's eyes when Cas disappeared. Cas had disappeared before, but this was different. This time Dean had given up. He stopped looking for Cas. He stopped talking about Cas. He stopped letting Sam talk about Cas. He remembered when their dad died. How Dean had turned away from everybody and everything. How he bottled it up. But even then, he finally broke. He allowed himself to grieve. And everybody else that they'd lost, Ellen, Jo, Kevin, Charlie, even Bobby, Dean had found a way to bounce back. Sure, it usually involved alcohol and nameless faceless encounters with women he met in bars, but he always came back. All he'd done since Cas disappeared was lock himself in his room with a bottle of whiskey, day after day.

Sam was lost. He had nobody to talk to. Nobody to help him. He didn't know how to fix this . He slammed his laptop shut. "Fuck!" he whispered as he looked up at the ceiling. "Cas, man, where are you ? He needs you. He's never needed you more than he does right now." Sam knew that it was pointless, so with a resigned sigh he pushed himself up from the table. Shutting off the lights, he walked down the hallway towards his bedroom. He paused briefly at Dean's door to listen. Nothing. He went into his own room and laid on his bed fully clothed, staring at the ceiling. He was losing Dean, and he didn't know how to bring him back.

\----------------------------------------------

Castiel had been standing perfectly still in the corner, grateful that they were unable to see him. Grateful that they were unable to hear him. Grateful that they didn't know that he was there. After Sam turned off the last light he fell to the floor, exhausted. He felt every ounce of Dean's pain, every moment of Sam's frustration and concern, every bit of his own regret. He was a coward, and he knew it.

\--------------------------------------------------

All of those years ago when he was given the assignment to pull a human soul from hell, he was told two things: don't ask questions and follow orders. He was to simply retrieve the soul, reunite it with it's vessel immediately, and report back. It was a dangerous assignment, but he would do what he was told. He always did what he was told. He was trained to be a good little soldier. He just wasn't prepared for what he found. This soul was so tortured, so twisted, that it was almost devoid of any semblance of humanity. When Castiel wrapped his hand around it's shoulder he felt the self loathing and vulnerability emanate in waves. Retrieve the soul, that's what he was told to do. Reunite it with it's vessel immediately, that's what he was told to do.

He defied his orders . 

He didn't just pull the soul from hell, he cradled it in his wings. He comforted it. He spoke to it softly in a language it couldn't understand. He healed it. He healed it as much as a low level angel like himself was capable of. He begrudgingly returned it to it's vessel and reported back. He'd hoped that he could leave it at that He had no way of knowing then that he had left an indelible mark that would forever tie him to the soul. Forever tie him to Dean Winchester. 

He had lived and died for Dean Winchester. He didn't love Dean. Not in any traditional sense. He existed for Dean. He was bound to Dean, just as Dean was bound to him.

Even when he wasn't with Dean, he could hear him. He felt what Dean felt. He knew when Dean was in danger, in pain, and even those rare moments when Dean was quiet. Those were his favorite times. When he could silently wrap his wings around Dean and again, comfort him.

When he lost his grace he thought that it would change, but it didn't. That's when he realized that when he had defied heaven's orders, the bond that he had created was unbreakable. He knew that it wasn't right, but he couldn't change it. What they shared was so profound it went beyond any love that Dean had ever felt. Beyond the love and need for acceptance he had felt for his father. Beyond the romantic love he'd had for Lisa. Even beyond the loyal and co-dependent relationship he had with his brother. Castiel knew Dean in a way that they never could.

Castiel knew that when he had retrieved Dean from hell and held him, a part of Dean's soul had stayed with him and had been replaced by his own grace. They carried a piece of one another.

Castiel had made a terrible mistake by defying orders. Yes, he brought Dean back to life, but he was the reason why Dean couldn't be happy. Dean would never give himself entirely to somebody. He couldn't. Castiel had tried to stay away before, but always watching, always listening. He desperately wanted Dean to be content, but every time he held back it had repercussions. Dean became careless, self destructive, and at times even dangerous. Every time Castiel told himself to just ride it out. That Dean would recover. Castiel would watch him from a distance and try to take the pain and torment upon himself. Try to comfort him without Dean knowing, but it never worked. He always ended up showing himself. It was the only way to stop the pain. He knew that it wasn't fair, and he hated himself for his careless actions.

Dean thought he was gone. That he had disappeared. He didn't know that Castiel had been sitting on the floor in the hallway leaning back against the bathroom door while Dean showered. He didn't know that Castiel had been listening to him mumble incoherently and heard the occasional thud of glass gently hitting tile when Dean took a drink from the whiskey bottle that was glued to his hand. Castiel had watched him lay on his bed with his arm over his eyes. Castiel had listened to his conversation with Sam and had to choke back sobs when Sam called quietly for him. As it was, Castiel was fighting the urge to go back to Dean's room. Just to stand over him and watch him sleep again. He knew that if he did that, he would be too tempted to push a lock of hair of dark hair off of Dean's sweaty forehead or hold him to help him ride out one of the nightmares that had been plaguing him. He shouldn't even be in the bunker, but he didn't know how to stay away.

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean woke up with a pounding headache. He groaned as he slowly rolled to the edge of the bed and sat up, running his hands across his face in an attempt to shake the last remnants of sleep. The stubble under his fingers made him realize how long it had been since he had shaved. He knew that he was a mess but the last thing he wanted to do was to go look at himself in the mirror.

Sam was already awake by the time Dean made it into the kitchen. The brothers barely looked at each other as Dean stood with his elbows on the counter, holding his head in his hands. Sam slid a cup of coffee and two tylenol towards him and stepped back. He wanted to say something, anything, but each time he tried, it was nothing more than a silent stutter . "Sam " said Dean as he tilted his head up, "stop tip toeing around me like I'm made of glass or something. I'm not going to break. Maybe I'm already broken. I don't know. But please quit looking at me like that. I do not want to talk. You know my rule about chick flick moments." Sam put his hands up in front of him and took a step back. "Okay...I've got it. I hear you ," He walked past Dean and out of the kitchen. After downing two cups of black coffee Dean returned to his room to throw some clothes on and grab his car keys. He'd emptied the cabinet last night and knew that if he didn't replenish it then the nightmares would come. Once dressed, he quickly crossed the room and headed up the stairs on his way out of the bunker. 

"Where are you going" Sam asked. 

Dean went silent. He knew that if he came clean and told Sam that he was going to the liquor store he would spend all day on the receiving end of questions and concerned looks. But he didn't want to lie to his brother.

"Well, I am out of whiskey and so I am going to get more" he said almost lightheartedly, hoping that Sam would just drop it.

"Dean, I don't think that's a good idea..."

Dean was already to the door. "You're right, it probably isn't" he yelled back as the door shut behind him. Sam heard Dean start the car and figured he might as well do something to keep himself busy. He was tired of staring at that computer screen. He was tired of worrying about Dean. The only thing he could do right now that would be remotely helpful is to clean up after his brother He started by grabbing the garbage bag full of empty bottles to drag to the dumpster outside. They really should start recycling he thought to himself.

\-------------------------------------------------

"Sam, I want to help you but I don't know how."

Sam found himself standing perfectly still. He didn't trust his body to turn around, but he knew that voice. Gravely and soft . There's no way. It couldn't be...

"Cas?"

"Yes Sam, I need to talk to you. We don't have much time. Dean will be back very soon and he can't know that we spoke."

Sam finally turned around and found himself face to face with the one person, the only person who could help him. "Cas...I...how?"

"We really need to go inside, Sam." Castiel turned and walked into the bunker with Sam on his heels.

Sam still couldn't believe it. Cas was back. Everything was going to be okay. He nodded at Cas to sit across the table from him. "Cas! Wow...um...I don't even know what to say. I mean, I've been calling to you for months now but..."

"I heard you" Cas interrupted.

After a moment of surprised silence, Sam erupted. "You heard me? You fucking heard me? I have been begging and pleading! I am watching my brother go into a downward spiral like I've never seen before. I've needed you. Dean needs you! And this entire time you've known." Sam stood up, kicked the chair away from him and started pacing. If he didn't need Cas so badly right now, he'd happily strangle him. "So explain." Sam demanded. "Because I sure as hell don't understand how you could just disappear and listen to me beg you every night to come back. I don't understand how you could know about Dean , I'm guessing that you do know about Dean..."

"Yes Sam, I know about Dean." Castiel mumbled , averting his eyes. 

"Then how in the hell can you...ugh...I can't even form a sentence right now. I don't even know what to say. But you know what Cas? We've been to hell and back together, literally. We've been family. We have protected each other as brothers do and you walked away. You didn't disappear did you? You fucking walked away ! Why are you even here? Why show yourself to me now?"

"Sam" Cas mumbled as he hung his head. "I can't make you understand my reasons."

"You know what Cas, you're right. You can't. Reasons...excuses...call them whatever you want. We trusted you and you walked away. You left. Just when Dean needs you the most you have abandoned him. And obviously you know what it's like. What he has been like . I have never seen my brother in such a bad place before, and he's been in some pretty dark places. You, if anybody, should know that. Dean is suffering, and it gets worse every day. He drinks all of the time. He doesn't get out of bed. He won't talk. Hell, half of the time he won't even look me in the eye. He shuffles around this place like a ghost trying to avoid me. I can't even say your name anymore. Do you get that Cas? I'm not even allowed to talk about you. When you disappeared...so did he."

"I am aware" Castiel mumbled again, still looking at the floor.

"You know what Cas, at least have the balls to look me in the eye when you talk to me."

Castiel lifted his head and Sam could see his watery blue eyes, the tears coursing down his face, his lips trembling. At that moment all of the anger drained from Sam's body. He squatted down in front of Castiel so that he could look him in the eye, "So why man? Why? I thought that we meant more to you than that. I thought that Dean meant more to you than that.'

Castiel stared into Sam's eyes and took a deep shuddering breath. "Dean means everything to me " he whispered.

Sam knew that he was becoming repetitious and whiny when he asked one more time, "Then why Cas? You've obviously seen him, or felt him, or whatever it is."

"I don't know that I can make you understand. I had hoped that Dean could move past this. That he could be happy. But he can't do it with me here."

"I'm sorry Cas, but I'm not following you. I'm afraid that my brother is going to shatter into pieces. That he will find new ways to self destruct and I'm left by myself to watch it all go down. Maybe it's selfish of me to say that, but I can't sit by any longer. I need to find a way to help him. I've tried everything, but nothing works. What am I supposed to do?"

Castiel turned his head up towards the ceiling, hot tears still running down his cheeks and dripping off his chin. "That's what I've been trying to figure out, Sam."

"How long have you known?" Sam demanded.

"Since the beginning. Since he first thought that I had disappeared."

"And you've done nothing?" Sam yelled incredulously, his voice echoing throughout the bunker. He stood up and ran his hands through his hair in an attempt to calm himself. He knew that they were running out of time. Dean would be back soon and as desperately as he wanted Dean to see Cas, he knew it had to be on their terms. He couldn't interfere. "Can I ask you one question?" he asked, looking away from the pained and pitiful look on Cas's face.

"Of course Sam, you can ask me anything."

"Are you in love with my brother?"

Castiel sighed deeply and looked down at his hands. "I'm afraid that there is no easy answer to that question. It's complicated. It's more complicated than you realize, Sam. I'm sorry. I truly am."

Sam turned at the sound of a car door closing and the jingling of keys.

"Sammy! The cupboards and fridge looked pretty empty, so I grabbed a few groceries while I was out."

Sam swallowed hard. He didn't know how Dean was going to react to seeing Cas in the bunker. He turned around to say something, but Cas was gone.

As Dean stepped off of the bottom stair he looked at Sam's ashen face. "Dude...what happened? You look like you've seen a ghost. Or maybe a clown? A clown-ghost?"

"Um...no. I'm fine Dean." Sam stuttered.

Dean threw him a suspicious glance. He always knew when Sam was lying to him. He moved the bags from his arms onto the counter and immediately reached in to grab a bottle. Sam's glance at the clock didn't go unnoticed. Dean didn't have the energy to care about how early it was in the day. He popped open the bottle and took a heavy swig. His breath came out slowly as he closed his eyes and relished the warmth that filled his stomach. After grabbing a second bottle out of the bag, he turned and walked away. Sam was lucky that there was a chair directly behind him when he went limp and fell backward. "Damnit Cas!" He whispered. "And I know you can hear me you fucking asshole!"

\-------------------------------------------------

Dean stared down the neck of the open bottle in his hand and realized that this was now his life. This amber colored liquid is what is keeping him alive right now. The irony almost drew a smile from his lips. The more he drank, the less he thought about...him. He couldn't even bring himself to think his name, it hurt too much. But why did it hurt? He asked himself that at least a hundred times a day. He'd felt loss before, but nothing like this. A part of him was missing. He couldn't explain it. He couldn't rationalize it. He just felt it.

\--------------------------------------------------

After his talk with Sam, Castiel had spent the remainder of the day at the top of the stairs looking down just watching the brothers. He could see Sam shooting furtive glances around, but they both knew that he could not see Castiel unless Castiel wanted to be seen. He frowned at how unkempt Dean looked, always with that bottle in his hand. The warding that Castiel had been using to conceal his grace would be wearing off soon which meant that he had to make a choice. He either needed to leave for good this time, or he needed to show himself and allow Dean to confront him. If he let the warding wear off while he was in the bunker Dean was sure to sense his presence, and Castiel didn't want him to know that he'd been there. Not like that. If he decided to show himself, he needed to make sure that Dean knew that he had come to him. Not that he had been skulking in corners. He already knew that Dean was going to be upset when he found out that Castiel had been there watching. That he had heard him and felt him for months. That Castiel had made the conscious decision to disappear. Dean might ask him to leave the bunker. He didn't know what to expect. The longer he watched the more he realized that the decision had already been made for him. That's why he talked to Sam today. He couldn't bear seeing Dean as he was. He couldn't bear knowing that he was the reason why. All he knew is that he had to try and fix it.

He existed for Dean Winchester.

\--------------------------------------------------

After a slurred and bleary "goodnight" to Sam, Dean went into his room and passed out on his bed. Castiel waited for Sam to turn in for the night before he moved from his vantage point down into the bunker. He walked around touching familiar items. Smiling at the mess of books and papers that Sam always left on the table. He pressed his face against Dean's coat that had been haphazardly tossed over the back of the chair. He could feel the part of Dean's soul that he possessed inside of him trembling. He placed the coat back on the chair and walked towards the hallway where the bedrooms were. Castiel was afraid. His hands were sweaty and he was visibly shaking. When he reached Dean's door he took a deep breath and entered the room.

He found Dean laying across the bed fully clothed with a bottle of whiskey still in his hand. He was quietly mewling and crying in his sleep. Castiel lightly rested his hand atop Dean's head and was almost thrown backwards at the ugly images that he saw. Dark and horrific things that were forever chasing Dean. And Dean was alone. Castiel knew that Dean's biggest fear was being alone, yet he had abandoned him. His throat swelled up and water filled his eyes. Regrets. So many regrets. He gently took the bottle from Dean's hand and placed it on the dresser. He reached down to turn Dean's body into a more comfortable position. Just those few soft touches was all it took for his grace to take over, to search for the missing piece. The piece that Dean unknowingly carried. Castiel waited to see if that was enough to awaken Dean, but in his inebriated state he didn't move. Castiel slid his arms under Dean, shifted him across the bed until his head rested on his pillows, and pulled a blanket up over his body. He didn't know how long he stood there and watched Dean sleep, listened to his tortured cries, watched him dig his fingers into the pillow reaching for something...anything to hold on to. The warding was wearing off more quickly than he had expected and Castiel knew that he had to leave the room. Before he did, he wanted to give Dean a small gift. Again he placed his hand gently on Dean's head and searched. He searched the deepest recesses of Dean's mind until he found the memories. His mother's apple shampoo, her lullabies, the way she tucked him in at night. Castiel replaced the nightmares with these memories and as an afterthought he bent down and kissed Dean on the forehead. Tomorrow. Tomorrow was the day.

\--------------------------------------------------

That night Dean dreamt. Not a nightmare, not a replay of all of the ugly things he had seen and done in his life, an actual dream. He woke up with the light smell of apples lingering in the air. He could still feel the place on his forehead where the kiss had landed. He reached up to touch the spot and felt the residual warmth. He lowered his hand and sat up quickly. The morning headache that he had grown so accustomed to wasn't there. For the first time in weeks his legs didn't weaken and tremble when he stood up to put his full weight on them. He looked at the clock next to his bed and realized that it was already afternoon. Confusion washed over him. Maybe he was growing a tolerance for the whiskey he counted on to nurse himself to sleep every night. With a weary sigh, he wandered down the hall towards the shower. Once clean, he went to the kitchen. Dean rested against the counter with his head in his hands. "Good afternoon sunshine" Sam teased as he came up behind him with a cup of coffee and two tylenol. Dean's go-to hangover breakfast. When Dean sipped at the coffee without acknowledging the tylenol, Sam shook his head in confusion.

"Dean...are you okay? "

Dean groaned quietly as he turned his head towards his brother. "Sam, I have told you over and over again that I don't want to talk about any of this." He curled his fingers around the warm mug so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. 

There was something different about Dean. Sam searched his brother's face until he saw the change. It was Dean's eyes. For the first time in months they weren't swollen or bloodshot, and they were green. Not the dull grayish shade that they had become. They were the bright green eyes that had seduced more than one woman into bed. What the hell? Cas. It had to be Cas.

Without warning, Dean pulled his body up. The blood drained from his face and his eyes opened wide. His mouth was trying to form words but only a deep intake of breath crossed his lips. He didn't notice when the mug slipped from his slack hands and shattered on the floor, the dark liquid splashing in droplets on his bare feet. That's when Sam heard the soft fluttering behind him.

\--------------------------------------------------

"Hello Dean" Castiel whispered.

Once again he felt the piece of Dean's soul undulating inside of him. He wanted to pull Dean close, to connect his grace to Dean's soul. The look on Dean's face kept him rooted to the floor beneath him. Dean continued to struggle for air while Sam and Castiel both stared at him. He was paralyzed. Something fluttered deep inside of him. His body went cold and he had to grasp the edge of the counter.

"Sam!" Castiel demanded, "please get Dean a chair. It's apparent that he needs to sit down."

Happy to have something to do, Sam grabbed a kitchen chair, slid it behind Dean, and pulled his brother back until he was able to sink into it.

"I'll...uh..go somewhere. I think...maybe..." Sam stammered.

The sound of his brother's voice seemed to snap Dean back to reality and he finally spoke, "you don't need to go anywhere Sam."

Castiel locked eyes with Dean and saw the barrage of feelings that were washing over him. He couldn't look away, not even if he wanted to. "Dean" he said quietly, "maybe it would be better if Sam left." Dean just cleared his throat and nodded. Sam knew that the best thing he could do right now was to just stay quiet and go. He retreated down the hallway slowly and the sound of the door closing behind him was enough to bring Dean back to his feet.

"Cas..." Dean breathed softly. The sound of his name rolling off of Dean's tongue was enough to make the angel take a step back. "Cas...what happened? Are you okay? Did they hurt you?" Dean asked.

"Did who hurt me ? " Castiel questioned so quietly that Dean had to lean forward just to hear him.

"I don't know" Dean continued. "Whoever took you. Whoever has been holding you this entire time. Did they hurt you? How were you able to break free? "

Castiel chewed on his bottom lip and stared at the floor. He knew it was time to tell Dean the truth. He brought his head up, hoping that Dean couldn't see the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes. He tried to calm his lips before Dean noticed them tremble. "No, Dean. Nobody hurt me. Nobody took me. Nobody has been holding me..." he trailed off.

"What?" Dean asked. He was confused. If nobody had taken Cas, if Cas hadn't been held against his will, then where had he been? Once he felt the weight of what Cas was trying to tell him, he moved around the counter , needing to put space between his body and Castiel's. "Nobody has been holding you?" he choked, his voice rising. "Then where in the hell have you been Cas? You mean that you just..." Dean stammered. He turned his back to Castiel and ran his fingers through his hair. After a long and heavy silence he slowly wiped his hands down his face. Still turned away from Castiel he quietly asked, "Then why Cas ? " Castiel saw Dean's head drop and his shoulders slump forward. Without realizing it, he reached out. But if Dean couldn't bear to look at him, then he certainly wouldn't want to be touched. Castiel let his hand fall limply to his side.

"Ever since I talked to Sam I've been trying to find the words to..." but he was interrupted.

Dean turned sharply and stared dangerously at Castiel. "Wait, you talked to Sam? Sam fucking knows? And he didn't tell me?" he started to move towards the hallway with the intent of confronting his brother. His best friend had betrayed him...and now he knew that his brother had as well. Castiel lunged forward and gripped Dean's shoulder, just as he had done all of those years ago. Once again he could feel self loathing and vulnerability emanate in waves under his hand.

"Dean...stop. This isn't Sam's fault. I begged him not to say anything. He stayed quiet for you. He knows that you need to hear it all from me."

Dean felt the searing heat on his shoulder. He pushed Cas's hand away but not before his skin had already bubbled and scarred. He fell heavily back into the chair and with his elbows resting on his legs, he held his head in his hands. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to jump up and embrace Cas. He wanted Cas to comfort him. Again, he felt that fluttering inside of him.

"Did you feel that Dean?"

Dean finally looked over at Cas and softly said, "feel what?"

"That fluttering...the trembling inside of you. You felt it, didn't you?"

Dean knew that at times Cas could feel his emotions, could hear his thoughts, and that had always been a bit unnerving. But how could Cas know about the tremble he felt when he thought about him, heard his voice, when Cas touched him? "I didn't feel anything" he lied. He was still so torn. His eyes started moving around the room trying to search out one of the bottles that he had brought home yesterday.

"Dean...please...don't"

"Don't what Cas? Drown my sorrows? Drink myself numb?"

"Yes" Castiel stated. "You've done nothing but drink for months, and I know that it's my fault..."

Dean cut him off sharply, "Sam told you how much I've been drinking? Great. What else did he tell you? What I ate for lunch yesterday?" Again feeling the betrayal rise up. He had never felt as alone as he did right now.

"Sam didn't have to tell me, Dean. I've been watching." Castiel said deliberately. He knew that he couldn't hold back. Dean needed to know everything. Dean couldn't absorb what Castiel had just said. Cas was his best friend. Cas wouldn't just sit back and watch him suffer.

"You what?" Dean's eyes opened wide in surprise. "No Cas...you...no."

"Dean, please let me try to explain . " Castiel pleaded. He knew that he was on the verge of losing Dean forever. Losing a part of himself.

"You've had months to explain, Cas. You just admitted that you have spent months watching...knowing. You have been hiding yourself from me. You abandoned me and I needed you!" Dean cried, his face turning bright red , his glare burning into Cas's eyes.

"Dean, it hasn't been easy for me either."

"You know what Cas? Fuck you! You had a choice and you chose to disappear, so fuck you!" Dean turned and stormed down the hallway. The sound of his door slamming sent a jolt of pain through Castiel's body.

\--------------------------------------------------

Castiel tried to leave, but he couldn't. Every time he turned towards the door he felt something pulling at him...keeping him in the bunker. He stood staring at the hallway for what must have been hours. He could tell that it was already starting to grow dark outside. He finally took a deep breath and moved quietly towards Dean's bedroom. Once there, he lightly pressed his hand on the outside of the door. Not only could he hear the muttering and pained cries, he could feel the heat of betrayal that was coursing through Dean. He felt the depths of Dean's loneliness and the continuous trembling deep inside that matched his own...movement for movement. When the first tear fell he leaned his head against the door and started mourning the loss. He and Dean would always be bound, but he knew that he could no longer be a part of Dean's life. He wished, for Dean's benefit, that he could have found a way to sever the bond. He felt his body shaking with sobs as he thought back to that fateful day. The day he defied his orders.

"Cas?"

His body jerked back at the muffled sound of Dean's voice through the door, but he felt silence. Maybe Dean hadn't called to him. Dean wouldn't call to him now. Castiel knew that . 

"Cas?"

Castiel gripped the doorknob tightly and slowly turned it. He pushed the door open and saw Dean sitting on the edge of the bed with his head down. He wasn't even wiping the tears off of his face. He was just watching them fall onto the floor, pooling between his feet "Why did you show yourself to me Cas ? Why now?

"I couldn't take the pain anymore, Dean ."

"You couldn't take the pain anymore? You came back to ease your suffering? You selfish bastard."

"No Dean. You are mistaken. I couldn't take your pain anymore."

"You caused it Cas. This is all on you man. All of it" He stood up and grabbed the whiskey bottle that Castiel had left atop his dresser the night before. Castiel swallowed hard, expecting Dean to pull the bottle to his lips. He was shocked when Dean instead threw it against the wall, leaving a crack in the plaster and broken glass all over the floor. Dean stood in the center of the room miserable and hurt. He finally turned to Castiel, "That" he said, pointing to the broken glass on the floor, "that right there is what has kept me sane. For months. It's all I've had." he sobbed. The burden of emptiness and loss that he had carried for so long finally caught up with him and the energy drained from his body. Without thinking, Castiel shot forward and caught Dean before he fell. He held Dean in his arms and enveloped them both with his wings. Dean sobbed and shook against his chest, the tears soaking through Castiel's shirt. Castiel rested his cheek on the top of Dean's head and murmured comforting words mixed with apologies. The trembling inside of them both had stopped and Castiel knew that he couldn't let go. The emotional exhaustion and comfort of Castiel's presence finally washed over Dean and for the first time in months he fell asleep...sober.

\----------------------------------------------

Dean woke up trying to make sense of the strange dream. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at the feather resting on the pillow next to his face. Then he heard a familiar voice speaking softly from the foot of his bed.

"It wasn't a dream Dean."

He looked at the wall and saw the crack in the plaster...the broken glass still on the floor. He reached over and felt the scar on his shoulder. He sat up quickly and turned, "Cas?" he asked, still trying to focus his eyes.

"Yes, Dean. I'm here."

"You know that I think it's creepy when you watch me sleep."

"Yes Dean, I know."

That's when Dean realized that he had fallen asleep in the comfort of Cas's arms. "I'm still furious with you."

"Yes Dean, I know."

"And you owe me one hell of an explanation."

Castiel tried to hide his surprise. "Yes Dean, I know." 

"But first I need coffee. Sammy better have started it brewing . He owes me that much. C'mon Cas . " and he left the room. It took Castiel a moment to realize that Dean had just asked him to follow, so he jumped up and hurried after him. Dean walked into the kitchen and could smell the coffee brewing. Sam looked up from pouring himself a mug and tried to hide his surprise at the sight of Cas standing behind Dean. He had heard muffled yelling, crying, and he thought that he'd heard things being thrown around Dean's room. He didn't expect to see Dean this calm standing with Cas. Sam gave Dean a questioning look and Dean held up two fingers. Sam just nodded as he grabbed two more mugs from the cupboard and filled them with coffee.

"Well, I have a lot to do, so if you'll excuse me..."

"Sam" Dean barked, "don't go too far. We're finally going to have that talk you've been begging for. And just know that I'm really pissed off at you . "

Sam made eye contact with Cas and knew that Cas had somehow let it slip that they had spoken before Cas showed himself to Dean. "Yeah...okay Dean. We can talk later. No problem."

"Cas...sit" Dean ordered as he dropped into a chair. Castiel took the mug that Sam had handed him and sat across from Dean. He had no use for the hot liquid but if it comforted Dean to have him hold it, then he would. "Okay Cas...talk" Dean said.

"How far back do you want me to go?" Castiel asked. He knew that he was going to have to explain what had happened when he raised Dean's soul from hell, but he felt that right now Dean wanted him to explain his disappearance.

"Start at the beginning. Start with the night that you disappeared. I'm giving you one shot to explain this all to me, so spill." When Castiel paused to try and come up with the words, Dean spoke again. "Listen man, I remember that night. We were in that warehouse. Devils trap...demon tied to a chair . ..the knife. A Winchester Q&A by candlelight. After Sam exorcised Crowley's little bitch, I turned around and you were gone. You weren't waiting by the car. You weren't chilling back at the no-tell motel. You were just gone. I looked for you. I called you. I even prayed to you Cas, but you were gone. You've left before. We all have. We've gone our separate ways, but this time it was different. I thought that maybe the asshole angels had taken you, stolen your grace, and tossed you somewhere. You were dead Cas. I stopped looking, I stopped calling, and I stopped praying. There was nothing more I could do...so I started drinking."

"Yes Dean, I know."

"So you have been here this whole time. Just watching."

"Yes Dean, I have. I used warding to conceal my grace so that you couldn't sense my presence."

Dean felt a hot sharp pain in his chest. Cas had been here the whole time. Cas had watched his suffering, his mourning , and he intentionally warded himself. But as angry as he was, he couldn't bring himself to kick Cas out of the bunker. He couldn't even stand up and walk away from the table. He needed to hear what Cas had to say. He needed to understand.

"Dean, when I raised your soul from hell..."

"Yrah, you gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. I know that par Cas. I want to know what happened the night you left."

"Dean, I need you to try and understand that this story starts with that day. The day I first came in contact with you. With your soul." He saw the look of surprise on Dean's face and he continued, "when I was given the assignment I was told not to question my orders. I was to rescue your soul from hell, immediately reunite it with your vessel, and report back. But I defied my orders that day, Dean."

"What do you mean you defied your orders? You brought me back. Good as new."

"When I reached into that pit and touched you I could feel your pain and suffering. I could feel torment. I could feel everything that Alastair had done to you ...and what he was trying to turn you into."

Dean cringed at the sound of Alastair's name. He'd tried to forget the pit. He'd tried to forget the day he got down off the rack and stood side by side with the others who were tormenting souls. He had buried those memories so deep that he felt physically sick when he was reminded of the monster he had become.

"It wasn't your fault Dean. You did what you had to do." Cas said when he saw the pain in Dean's eyes.

Dean cleared his throat and said, "okay...so you reached into the pit. We both know what you found. Where are you going with this?"

"I defied my orders that day Dean. I retrieved your soul, but I couldn't reunite you with your vessel. Not when I felt how damaged you were. I held you that day. I wrapped my wings around you and did what I could to heal you. And doing that was a terrible mistake. I have regretted it ever since I realized what I had truly done."

Dean's eyes had gone soft when he looked at Cas, "a mistake? What do you mean a mistake?"

"I created an irrevocable bond." Cas said quietly before he continued, "when I held your soul against me, I didn't know that a piece of it would stay with me. I didn't know that my own grace would replace that piece. I had no way of knowing that we would be tied to one another forever."

"Wait, so let me get this straight." Dean stammered. "You have a piece of my soul? And I carry your grace?" Now so many things made sense. The way that Cas always seemed to know what he was thinking or feeling. The way Cas was always able to find him. "Wouldn't I know this? Wouldn't I feel it?" he asked.

"You do feel it Dean. That trembling that you feel inside of you sometimes? The flutter? That's my grace trying to reconnect. Your soul does the same thing inside of me." Cas looked down at the table and quietly said, "and that's the reason why you can't ever be truly happy."

"What? How? Okay...you're going to have to break this down for me man, because I am having a hard time following you." Dean was still trying to wrap his head around the idea that all of this time he had carried a piece of Cas inside of him.

"You can't give yourself over to somebody. Not completely. Body and mind...yes. But not soul. Your soul is incomplete. We are profoundly bonded, and I have spent years trying to find a way to sever the bond. To give you that piece back and make you complete again so that I could let you go. When I lost my grace I thought that maybe it would fix things. Obviously it didn't. You have stayed with me just as I have stayed with you, Dean." Cas took a deep breath and continued, "I want nothing more than to see you happy. Content. So at times I've tried to stay away. I've hoped that maybe the distance would weaken the bond, but it doesn't. No matter how many times I've tried, no matter how long I've stayed away, I have to come back. It's not a choice any more. The last few months have proven that to me."

Now Dean knew why it just hurt more every time Cas left. Why it hurt more the longer he stayed away. Why he hadn't been able to control his emotions last night.

"I thought I was doing the right thing, by trying to help you...to fix you. Instead I took something from you and have caused you pain." Cas began softly sobbing. "I'meant so sorry Dean. If I knew it would be like this I never would have defied my orders."

"So we can't change this? We can't just switch out soul for grace? You did it once, but you can't do it again?"

"I wish I could but no, Dean...I can't." Cas cried softly. "I can't replicate the circumstances that caused it to happen. I wouldn't if I could. I would never let you become what you were that day."

Dean lowered his head in silence. A long silence that was beginning to make Cas uncomfortable. "I know that you want me to say something." he finally said, "But I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. This is...it's just...I can't..."

"I know, Dean."

Dean felt the trembling inside and lifted his head to stare at Cas. Green eyes locked with blue ones. "So, what do we do?"

"I've been trying to figure that out Dean. That's why I warded. So that you wouldn't know that I was here. I felt like I needed to try one more time to save you, but the pain became too much to bear. Your pain. And every day that I saw you I wanted to reach out. To show myself...but I'd hoped that you'd get better. Instead you just got worse. You get worse every time and I'm afraid of what will happen to you if I continue to stay away. There aren't words to explain how sorry I am. How much I regret what I have done to you. I've caused you so much pain but I've now accepted that I can't fix it . We will always be a part of one another. I can't change that."

Dean looked away "I had a dream the other night. About my mom. For the first time in months I woke up without a hangover. Was that because of you Cas? Did you do that?"

"Yes" Castiel whispered.

Dean broke down. He sat in the chair sobbing. Cas couldn't just continue to watch. He got up from the table and moved behind Dean.

"Dean...please let me..."

"Don't touch me right now. Please Cas, don't touch me. he stammered as he felt Castiel's grace shiver inside of him.

"I've hurt you enough. I can't sit by and continue to do so. It's my duty to comfort you Dean. To protect you." He wrapped his arms around Dean as he had done the night before and again let his wings envelope them both. As much as Dean thought he didn't want Cas to touch him, he felt himself melt backwards into the embrace. The moment his soul connected with Cas's grace he felt a quiet peace fall over him. The pain was gone. All of his anger faded and he relaxed completely. He didn't try to protest when he felt Cas stand up and carry him into his room.

\--------------------------------------------------

It had been hours since Castiel had laid down on Dean's bed, holding the broken man against him. When Dean finally stirred in his sleep Castiel loosened his embrace. Dean opened his eyes and could see the soft feathers surrounding them. He silently turned to look at Cas, overwhelmed by the situation. Castiel pulled his wings back and apologized. "I'm sorry, I know that seeing my wings like that is probably a bit disconcerting."

Dean rolled onto his back and put his hands behind his head. "I don't know what it is Cas. I just know that this feels right and maybe that is what's a bit disconcerting."

"That's because you are human."

"Again Cas...I'm not following you here. What is that supposed to mean?"

Cas took a deep breath and laid on his back next to Dean. He knew better than to let their bodies touch while he tried to explain one of the ramifications of their bond. This was going to make Dean uncomfortable, but he had to know.

"Well...Dean...uh...humans associate intimacy with procreation. Your chemicals, your hormones dictate what you consider intimate. You are a heterosexual human male so you seek out heterosexual human females. Many religions, many faiths believe that..." Cas paused and closed his eyes, willing himself to get through the rest of this explanation. "They believe that...um...sex is an act between a man and a woman for the sole purpose of creating human life." He could feel Dean's discomfort growing and he knew that he had to speak quickly and clearly or Dean would shut him out. "My father's intent was to give mankind the gift of pleasure. He meant for humans to enjoy physical intimacy. Yes, it takes a man and a woman coming together to create life. But two beings do not have to be of the same gender to...well...bring pleasure or to be intimate." he finished awkwardly.

"Um...Cas..."

"Dean? This isn't about sex...but would you be more comfortable if I had chosen a female vessel? I am not truly a man, Dean. I am not trying to threaten your masculinity when I hold you," Dean slid off the bottom of the bed and stood up with his back to Cas. He tried to ignore Cas's grace as he rubbed the back of his neck and mumbled something about needing to find Sam. He didn't look back at Castiel when he left the room. Castiel knew that he had made Dean uncomfortable and figured that it would be best if he just left him alone for the time being. He put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling.

Dean walked down the hall towards Sam's room. When he found it empty he knew that Sam had probably gotten restless and was at his computer. Sam turned his head when Dean walked into the room behind him and out of habit said, "Dean? Is everything okay ?"

"Do you mean am I still pissed at you?"

"I know that you're still pissed at me...and you probably will be for a long time. But that's not what I mean. Is everything okay? With you?" He asked pointedly. For the first time in months, Dean didn't move towards the liquor cabinet. Instead he came around the table and sat across from Sam. He reached forward and pushed Sam's laptop shut. Sam just looked at his brother waiting for him to speak.

"How much did Cas tell you, Sam?"

"Cas didn't really tell me anything."

"Really?" Dean asked lifting a single eyebrow.

"Yeah...really. All he said was that he was trying to find a way to help you, but that he was the one hurting you. He begged me not to tell you that I had spoken to him. He only showed himself to me for a few minutes, just when you went to the store. We didn't have a whole lot of time to get into a deep conversation." Sam responded, leaving out the part when he had asked Cas if he was in love with Dean. Sam didn't want to be nosy, but he had to admit that he was curious. He hadn't heard any yelling, and when he came out of his bedroom he saw that the kitchen was empty. He had pressed his ear to Dean's door but all he'd heard was Dean snoring softly. "So let me have it. Scream at me. Yell. Do what you need to do." Sam said, bracing himself for an onslaught of anger.

Dean stood up and started pacing. "No...I'mean not pissed anymore. I should be. I really should...but I'm not."

Dean didn't know what to do. He couldn't really explain everything that Cas had told him to Sam, and he didn't know that he wanted to. Not yet. He was still trying to make sense of it himself. He knew that he had been asleep for hours and he felt the sudden need to get out of the bunker. To jump in his car and just drive for awhile. He lifted his jacket from the back of the chair and checked the pockets for his car keys. Yep...there they were. He threw his jacket on quickly and told Sam, "I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back later." Sam watched him as he walked up the stairs and out the door. What had happened between Dean and Cas?

\--------------------------------------------

Sam waited for a few minutes before he went looking for Cas. He didn't even know if the angel was still there. He poked his head into Dean's room and found Cas laying quietly, just looking up at the ceiling with his hands under his head, "Cas?" he whispered.

"Sam, you do not need to speak softly for fear of waking me up. I don't sleep."

"Um, yeah, that's right. I forgot. So, is everything okay? I mean...do you need anything?" Sam was dying to know what was happening.

"You want to know what has happened between Dean and I." Castiel stated.

"Well, to be perfectly honest...yes I do."

"Where did Dean go just now? I heard him leave." Cas asked ignoring Sam's response. He couldn't tell Sam what was going on. Dean needed to do it when he had finally accepted it. When he was ready.

"He just said that he was going out and he'd be back later. I'm guessing he just wants to drive and listen to that crap music. It seems to clear his head. Do you, uh, want to come out into the other room with me? Maybe watch a movie or something?"

Cas didn't know what to do. He didn't know where Dean would want him to be when he returned. But he realized that after their last conversation ended with Dean feeling quite uncomfortable, it might be for the best if he wasn't laying on Dean's bed. "Yes Sam, I think that would be a good idea." and he followed Sam out of the room.

They found an old black and white movie to watch and settled into a comfortable silence. Just as the final credits started to roll they heard Dean's car.

"Is there another movie coming on?" Cas asked.

"Uh...yesh. There should be."

"Okay. Well do you mind sitting through another one with me? At least for the time being?"

Sam could see that Cas was nervous.

"Sure. I think that the next one is one of the old Frankenstein films if you're up for it."

Cas nodded without looking at Sam. They heard the door open, followed by Dean's feet coming down the staircase. Sam wasn't sure what to expect when he looked back at his brother. He was hoping that Dean hadn't made a stop at the liquor store while he was out.

"Popcorn Sammy? Really? I had to drive like 30 minutes out of the way to get these bacon cheeseburgers." Dean said as he dropped paper bags smudged with grease on the table. "I know, cholesterol and heart disease and I should be eating more green leafy things...blah, blah, blah. Now come grab burgers guys, before they get cold." Sam and Cas just looked at him silently. "Oh, Cas, sorry man. I forgot that you don't need to eat. But hey...more for me if you don't want one." Dean unwrapped a burger and walked up behind them. "Whatcha watching?" he asked.

"Um...Frankenstein I think." Cas finally said.

"Ah...one of the old ones I hope." Dean said as he walked around the couch and sat down. 

Sam still didn't know what was going on with Cas and Dean, but he could see a change in his brother. He chuckled and shook his head as he got up to grab some food. "Seriously Dean?" he asked, holding one of the greasy burgers in his hand.

"What?" Dean responded with his mouth full.

"If I have a heart attack in my sleep...just know that it was your fault. Cas, do you want one of these disgusting monsters?"

Dean looked at Cas with a smile and said, "I know that you don't need to eat...but you've really got to try one. Oh, and Sammy grab me the onion rings while you're over there."

Sam laughed and brought the food back to the couch. The three of them ate until they were almost sick while they watched Frankenstein, and then Dracula.

When the movies ended, Dean stood up and stretched. Sam could tell that Dean was tired. Hell...it was pretty late and he, himself, was starting to feel the effects of too much food and the late hour.

"So, um, great movies and great food equals one very tired Dean Winchester. I'm going to head to bed. Sammy, I will try to get up early and brew the coffee for once. You guys have a good night and...yeah..." he awkwardly trailed off trying to avoid eye contact with Cas. He wasn't sure what the protocol was here, so he figured he'd just sleep on it.

Sensing the tension, Sam turned towards Dean, "Okay man. I'm pretty beat myself. I think I'm going to turn in here soon too. But I'm holding you to that coffee thing."

Dean smiled before he turned and walked away, yawning.

An awkward silence fell over Sam and Cas. "Why don't you just give me the remote control and go get some sleep." Cas finally said.

Relieved, Sam said, "Yeah man, sounds good." and stood up. As he turned to walk away he looked at the angel and softly said, "it's good to have you back Cas."

"Thank you, Sam"

\--------------------------------------------------

Castiel played with the remote for awhile but couldn't find anything other than infomercials and talk shows. He finally just turned off the tv and laid on the couch in the dark. He wished he could better understand what was going on in Dean's head...but at least he had looked happy tonight. That's all Castiel wanted. He wanted Dean to be happy. He must have laid there for hours just staring at the ceiling, letting his mind wander when he felt Dean's presence.

"Cas?" he heard from the doorway.

"Yes Dean, I'm here."

Dean shuffled over to the couch and stood indecisively for a moment before he sat down on the floor in front of it and leaned back. Cas shifted, "Dean, I can move if you want to sit..."

"Nah, I'm good Cas. But thanks."

They sat in silence until Dean leaned his head back, trying to make out the shape of Cas's face in the dark. "I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I." Cas joked.

"Ha ha funny guy , " Dean had expected that things might be awkward, but he felt serene sitting in the dark with Cas. Without realizing it, Castiel reached down and touched Dean's hair. He half expected Dean to move away. He never expected him to move closer. He started to slowly run his fingers through the messy dark hair, lightly massaging his scalp. He felt Dean relax completely under his touch. He heard a small moan escape from Dean's lips. Suddenly, he bent forward, away from Castiel, and wrapped his arms around his knees.

"What is wrong Dean? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Cas. I'm fine. Really." Dean muttered. "I need to, uh, hit the little boys room and then should probably try to get some sleep. Goodnight Cas." Before Castiel could say anything, Dean was gone.

Castiel wondered what he had done wrong. Why had Dean become so uncomfortable? Was it because of what they talked about earlier? 

Dean stood in the bathroom splashing cold water on his face, trying to calm his body. He didn't know what to do. While he was out driving earlier he had thought about what Cas had told him. He had made peace with it . But, obviously he was still struggling. He had always been a testosterone driven player. He knew that he oozed sex appeal. He never had trouble bedding women. But it wasn't until he'd woken up earlier in Cas's arms that he'd felt the difference between sex and intimacy. He'd never felt the things that Cas made him feel when he held him. Never. Not with anybody. The problem was...it all had the same effect on his body. He couldn't control that. When Cas had touched him so gently, his body had reacted. He'd felt the piece of Cas's grace inside of him grow warm and he'd started to get an erection. He'd started to want more. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. All he could think about was the feeling of Cas's fingers running through his hair and he started to get hard again. He reached down the front of his pajama pants and wrapped his hand around himself. He started to breathe heavily as he pumped his fist up and down. He came quickly, sweating and panting.

As he washed the sticky fluid off of his hand and stomach he realized that he had been thinking about Cas. He was more confused now than he was before he'd sought out Cas's company in the dark.

Castiel stayed laying on the couch where Dean had left him. He thought he knew what had made Dean react so strongly. His felt both guilty and embarrassed. He didn't want Dean to pull away from him. He had touched Dean without thinking, not realizing what it might do. Dean's soul pulsated inside of him and he felt a yearning that he'd never experienced before. He desperately wanted to go to Dean, but he knew that Dean might pull away. He couldn't lose Dean. Not now that he'd admitted what he'd done and Dean had seemingly accepted it. He didn't move when he heard Dean's bedroom door close.

\--------------------------------------------------

He couldn't take it any longer. He needed to see Dean , to speak with him. He needed to know that Dean wasn't angry with him. He got up off of the couch before he could talk himself out of it and walked down the hallway towards Dean's bedroom. He paused outside of the door. Maybe this was a bad ide. He turned to go back to the couch when he heard, "Cas, it's okay. You can come in." He slowly opened Dean's door a little bit and looked inside of the room. He could barely make out Dean's body laying on the bed with his hands once again resting between his head and pillows.

"I...I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. That you're not angry."

Dean sat up propped back against his elbows, "I'm fine Cas. We're fine. You didn't do anything wrong."

Cas sighed with relief, "Okay Dean. Well...goodnight."

"Wait...Cas..."

"Yes Dean? Cas softly asked.

"You can come over here if you want to."

"Do you want me to?" Cas asked, feeling Dean's soul throb inside of him, affecting his vessel.

Dean hesitated, and finally said, "Cas...come here." quietly and laid back against his pillows.

Cas went to him. He gently laid down next to Dean and made sure that their bodies weren't touching. He could feel Dean's body heat and tried to ignore what it was doing to his human form. 

"So this whole soul and grace thing...what does it mean?" Dean asked, staring up at the ceiling.

"I don't understand what you are asking me, Dean" Cas responded, also staring up at the ceiling.

"Well...does it mean that we are like soulmates or something?"

"Not exactly."

Dean was surprised at the twinge of disappointment that he felt. "Then what are we?" Being in the dark where Cas couldn't see his face gave him the bravado he needed to ask the questions.

"Soulmates are two souls that are so similar that they can spend an eternity searching for one another. We're more like puzzle pieces. I don't have a soul...so I can't have a soulmate. Your soul is incomplete...so you don't have a soulmate either. I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry that I took that from you."

"Cas, quit beating yourself up over it. It is what it is. I'm not angry. I'm grateful. You saved me." Dean said softly.

"Yes Dean, I did. But I took something from you as well." Cas mumbled. He felt tears spring to his eyes.

"But what if I'm okay with that? You've always been here for me Cas. You've always had my back. And you can't convince me that it's just because I carry your grace. Besides Sam, you are the best friend I've ever had. I trust you, Cas. You know what my lifestyle is like, and you don't judge me." Dean reached down and grabbed Cas's hand, intertwining their fingers."

Tears fell silently from the corners of Cas's eyes. "I could never judge you Dean. I knew that you were beautiful and special when I first touched your soul. That's why I couldn't let go of you." Cas finished, his quiet voice trembling.

"I know that Cas, I know it now. So if we're puzzle pieces...does that mean that we're meant to just fit together?"

"I really don't know, Dean. I've never heard of something like this happening before."

"So we're like a special case?" Dean asked.

Cas thought before he answered, "I guess we are, but I don't know what it means." he finished, tears still rolling out of the corners of his eyes. He was afraid this may be too overwhelming for Dean.

Dean squeezed his hand a little tighter and Cas's body stilled. They laid in silence for a moment before Dean let go of his hand and rolled onto his side, searching for Cas's eyes in the dark. "Cas, are you crying? Cas...why are you crying?" he asked, cupping Cas's face gently while wiping the tears away with his thumb.

"I...I really don't know" Cas responded.

"Have I hurt you?"

"No Dean. Quite the opposite. You make me feel...well I can't describe it."

"Yrah...me too" Dean whispered. Without thinking, he bent his head to kiss the corners of Cas's eyes. "Don't cry. There's no need."

"Dean...I'm just tired of hurting you."

"I know. But you have, and we both know that." Those words brought fresh tears to Cas's eyes. "Cas...hey Cas, stop. Please. You've hurt me...we've established that. But when I woke up in your arms, surrounded by your wings, all of that fell away. You never meant to. Everything you've done was FOR me. I can see that now." Dean finished quietly as he again bent his head and kissed the tears away from Cas's face. "You know those cheesy lines from chick flicks when they say 'When I first met you, I saw the beauty that was on the inside'? Is that what you saw that day, Cas?"

"Yes Dean, it was. As tortured and pained as you were...you were still perfect. So perfect that I needed to save you. Instead I've done nothing but hurt you. Cas wished that he could stop crying. He didn't want Dean to think less of him.

Dean chuckled softly in his ear, "I am far from perfect, Cas."

"Not in my eyes. To me...you are perfect."

Dean didn't know how to respond. They laid in silence, Dean leaning over Cas, their faces just inches apart. Dean slid over until their bodies were touching. He could feel Cas's grace and his soul start to throb in unison. He'd never felt anything like it. He started to grow hard again, but he didn't care.

"Dean?" Cas asked quietly, "when you left to go to the bathroom earlier, did you pleasure yourself?"

Dean felt like he should be embarrassed by that question, but he wasn't. Cas always seemed to know how he was feeling, and there was something about being together in the dark that made it easier for him to open up. "Yeah, Cas. I did. When you touched me...I don't know. It just got to me."

"How does it feel Dean? To touch yourself like that?" Cas asked quietly. "I know how sex feels, kind of. I did do it that one time. You know...with the reaper. I guess the fact that she tried to kill me afterwards made more of an impression on me than the act of sex."

Dean leaned his head back a little, "you've never...touched yourself?" he asked thickly. He could feel his cock growing harder against Cas's side.

"I've never really thought about it." Cas responded absentmindedly. The feeling of Dean against him was distracting. "I guess I've never felt like I needed to."

Dean tilted his head back and bit his lip. He didn't know why he was so turned on, but he was ready to teach Cas everything he could about pleasure. He leaned forward and whispered in Cas's ear, "it's easy Cas, Let me show you."

Cas was surprised, but he desperately wanted to feel Dean's hands on him. He wanted to feel Dean's skin under his own hands. He felt Dean softly take his hand and guide it down his stomach.

Dean had never touched another man before, but this felt so right. With their fingers intertwined he began to slowly rub Cas's cock through his pants. His heart was beating so hard he thought that Cas could probably hear it. He pulled his hand away from Cas's and touched the button on his pants, "is this okay Cas? Or do you want me to stop?"

"No Dean, please don't stop." Cas begged. Dean smiled and undid Cas's pants with one hand.

"Take them off" he demanded quietly.

Cas quickly wiggled out of his pants and boxers while Dean unbuttoned his shirt. Dean could see Castiel's pale skin in the dark. "Cas" he moaned with a catch in his voice, "I've never wanted to touch another man...but you are beautiful. My god you are beautiful." He cupped Cas's face again and leaned forward until he could feel Cas's rapid breath on his lips. He knew that this wasn't a man beneath him. It was Cas. His Cas. He took a deep breath and gently pressed his lips against his angels mouth. Cas softly moaned and reached up to run his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean slid his tongue against Cas's lips until they parted. His hand still cupping Cas's face he slowly explored his mouth. Cas tightened his grip on Dean's hair and greedily sucked on his tongue. He had never felt anything like this.

Dean pulled back, breathing heavily. "I want to show you things, Cas. I want to make you feel things." he whispered hotly into Cas's ear. Cas gasped and lifted his face towards Dean. Dean caught him again in a swift kiss before he pulled away.

"Dean, did I do something wrong?" Cas whispered nervously.

"No Cas, you've done nothing wrong." Dean pulled his shirt over his head and turned Cas on his side so that they were facing each other. He pressed his body against Cas and could feel Cas's heart beating as hard as his own. They laid like that with their lips barely touching until Cas reached up and trailed his fingers down the side of Dean's face.

"Perfect" he murmured against Dean's mouth.

"Far from" Dean responded, shivering under Cas's soft touch. 

"No Dean, you are perfect to me. You always have been."

Dean needed to feel Cas's body against him. He quickly removed his pajama pants and boxers and soon they were laying on their sides, skin to skin, searching out each other's eyes in the dark. Dean curled his arm around Cas's back and pulled him closer. Without thinking, Cas thrust his hips against Dean and gasped when he felt Dean's hardness pressed against his hip. Dean groaned softly and ran his hand down until he reached the small of Cas's back. He pressed again and gently rocked their bodies together. "Mmmmmm...Dean. I feel so..." he trailed off.

"I know Cas..." Dean whispered as he slowly pushed Cas on his back and leaned over him. "Now I am going to show you how to pleasure yourself." He again took Cas's hand in his and together they grasped Cas's hard cock. Feeling Dean's hand upon him sent shocks through Cas's body. "Dean..." he begged, "I want you to feel pleasure."

"Oh...I will Cas. We have plenty of time." Again he started sliding their intertwined hands up and down Cas's length. "Your cock is incredible" Dean whispered, nipping at Cas's earlobe. He could feel Cas's grace throbbing inside of him and he knew that his soul was throbbing inside of Cas. Suddenly, Cas's entire body tensed and he started to come...pleasure rolling over him in waves. Dean continued to gently touch him until he knew that Cas would be too sensitive to take any more. At least for awhile.

"Dean?" Cas whispered.

"It's okay Cas...I've got this." he said as he reached for his t-shirt and used it to clean Cas's stomach."

"Dean...that was amazing."

"Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now you know how to pleasure yourself." Dean smiled. 

"But I want to pleasure you Dean. I want you to feel what I just felt."

Dean was still laying on his side. Cas turned to him and slid his hand down Dean's chest and stomach. Dean gasped when he felt Cas's hand graze the head of his cock. Cas took it as a cue and ran the palm of his hand gently across Dean's head, feeling the pre come. He slid his hand down and gripped the base. He started to gently run his hand up and down the length just as Dean had done for him. Dean groaned and leaned in closer to leave a wet trail of kisses along Cas's jaw. He pressed his lips against Cas's mouth and kissed him with a passion he'd never felt before. Cas gripped Dean's cock and started to rub it harder. He knew that Dean liked it a little rough. Dean tilted his head back and closed his eyes...letting the feeling of Cas's strong hand take over all of his senses. Cas took the opportunity to lean in and alternate between bites and kisses along the side of Dean's neck. He could feel Dean trembling and starting to throb in his hand. "Oh Cas...yes...just like that" he groaned. "Cas. ..Cas I'm going to come" he whispered as the hot and sticky fluid shot out onto Cas's hand. He pulled Cas's body tight against his and slowly rocked until he was completely spent. Cas let go of him, and he rolled on his back. "Where did I put that t-shirt?" he lazily asked.

"It's over here on the floor Dean, I'll get it."

Dean laid back and closed his eyee, almost unable to move while Cas cleaned them both up. "I wish I could see your eyes, Dean." Cas whispered in the dark. "I've always loved your eyes. "

"Next time, Cas. I had to do this one in the dark," 

"Because of my...vessel?" Cas questioned.

"Yeah" Dean whispered.

"Wel...was it okay? Is everything okay? Do you feel..."

Dean cut him off, "it was amazing. I feel amazing. Now come here." and he pulled Cas close against him. Cas's head rested on his chest, listening to his heart slow to a regular beat.

A little while later, Cas lifted his head to look up at Dean. "Dean, just because we did that...it doesn't make you...I mean you're not..."

"It doesn't matter Cas, it made me happy. I'm happy. That's the part that matters. How about you Cas? You feel okay?"

"I'meant better than okay. It was perfect." He gently touched Dean's face and said, you're perfect." as he laid his head back down on Dean's chest. 

"Thank you Cas." Dean whispered and kissed the top of his head.

This time, Dean fell asleep with Cas in his embrace.

\-------------------------------------------

When Sam woke up he could smell coffee brewing and hear noise coming from the kitchen. When he walked in the kitchen, Dean was standing at the stove. "How about a little breakfast Sammy ? "Dean called over his shoulder. "The coffee is hot and the eggs are scrambling. I didn't know if you'd want bacon or sausage...so I made both."

"What in the hell is this?" Sam asked, dumbfounded.

Dean turned around, "it's breakfast Sam." he said with a smirk. "Now grab some plates and pour yourself some coffee. See, I told you that I'd make the coffee."

When Dean turned back to the stove, Sam swore that he saw a bruise on his brother's neck. "Hey Dean...where's Cas?"

"Huh...I'm not sure. He's here somewhere. If the shower isn't running then check the couch. Or maybe my room,"

Dean's room? Okay...Sam was pretty sure that he didn't want to know. As if on cue, Cas came wandering in wearing a pair of Dean's pajamas. Sam just stared for a moment, but didn't say a word.

"Cas, sit your ass down. Breakfast is ready" Dean said without turning around. "Oh shit, I keep forgetting that whole 'not eating' thing."

"Well, it certainly doesn't hurt my vessel to eat. I just don't need to."

"Then sit your ass down and prepare yourself for the best scrambled eggs you've ever had."

"Okay Dean," Cas said with a grin. "It would be my pleasure."

Dean smiled at him and winked.

Sam could not believe how much Dean had changed in just a matter of days. He hadn't even had a drink since Cas came back. He was eating again. He wastarted smiling. He was talking. As curious as he was, he didn't really care about what was going on. Dean looked happy. "You know what is the best part about making breakfast?" Dean asked, interrupting Sam's thoughts.

"What's that?"

"Now Sammy has to clean it all up." Dean said, laughing as he tossed a napkin across the table at his brother. 

Sam looked up from his plate, "jerk" he said, laughing.

Dean smiled at Sam. "Bitch," he replied. He finished eating and pushed himself back from the table "Well, I'v got to get some laundry started. Good times." and walked away.

"Do you need any help?" Castiel asked Sam.

"I don't know. If Dean catches you helping me then we might both get in trouble, " Sam said with a grin .

"I'l risk it" Cas said, grinning back.

"Okay, well I'll wash and rinse. You can dry." They stood quietly shoulder to shoulder and got started.

Dean walked into his room and just stared at the pile of clothes tossed all over the floor. He knew that things had gotten bad...the mess in front of him was proof. He looked over at the crack in the plaster that had been left when he'd thrown the whiskey bottle in frustration just a couple of nights ago. Had it really only been a couple of days since Cas came back? He couldn't help but smile when he thought about Cas staying. Cas never leaving him again. He started throwing his dirty clothes in the hamper when he came upon the clothes that he and Cas had been wearing last night. He saw Cas's pants and button down shirt. He found the t-shirt that they had used to clean themselves up. He threw that in the hamper and covered it with the rest. He needed to remind the angel to come change back into his own clothes. He knew that Sam was dying to know what was going on...but Dean wasn't ready to tell him. Not yet. He wasn't ashamed of what had happened between him and Cas last night. He felt Cas's grace flutter inside of him when he thought about it. He wondered if Cas could tell every time his grace moved inside of him. He added that to the list of things that he needed to say to Cas.

Dean passed Cas in the hallway and leaned towards him to whisper, "Hey...could you go put that goofy suit of yours back on? Sam's already suspicious. Which reminds me...thanks for the neck bruises." And took a step back. Cas felt his stomach drop as he looked at Dean.

"Do you regret it, Dean? What happened last night?"

"Oh god no Cas. Not at all . It's all I can think about. Aaand now I'm going to have to hold this hamper in front of me just in case I run into Sam " he smiled.

"But why would you have to hold the hamper..." Cas began to ask before he realized what Dean was telling him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath...remembering the feel of Dean's body. "I think that I need a hamper too."

Dean looked at Cas's erection pressing against the fabric of his pajama pants. "Cas, go put that damn suit on and let me do my laundry" he said as he quickly checked to see if Sam was around. Nope. No Sam. Dean stepped forward and gave Cas a soft kiss before he walked to the laundry room. He couldn't believe how much that angel was affecting his senses.

\-------------------------------------------

Later that day, after Dean had finished his laundry and cleaned up his room, he went looking for Sam. He figured that he was probably staring at that computer of his. He was right. Dean walked up behind him and asked, "anything interesting going on out there?"

Sam turned to look at him just as Cas lowered the book he had been reading. "Um...not really. Nothing too exciting. Just like typical. I think that there might be a vamp nest in Oklahoma. I haven't really looked that closely. I wasn't expecting that we'd be working a case any time soon."

Cas continued to stare at Dean. He was torn. Dean felt good enough to get back to work. That made Cas happy. He loved watching Dean get excited about a hunt. He now knew that although Dean had a reputation for being a brutal and relentless hunter...he was a gentle lover. Cas really needed to stop thinking about these things he realized as he was forced to lay the open book across his lap. Dean turned his head, giving Cas a smile and a wink. Cas smiled back. Dean could feel when his soul shivered inside of Cas's body. Cas knew that when they left to work the case...a vamp nest...he would be left behind. They usually only involved him if the case was of biblical proportions. Demons, angels, hell, heaven...things that he was familiar with. Dean wouldn't invite Cas to go to Oklahoma, and Cas wouldn't ask.

"Well, if it's a full nest, they seem to be feeding slowly . Flying under the radar. They've probably gotten comfortable and won't be going anywhere any time soon. What do you say we hit the road in the morning?" Dean asked his brother.

"Uh...yeah...sure. Sounds good." Sam stuttered. Dean was ready to go back to work?

"I'll tell you what," Dean said to Sam. "Why don't you check the car. Make sure that the trunk is packed with everything we need. Maybe take her into town and fill the tank. That way we can just get up early and head out."

"Okay Dean, I'll...uh...I'll go do that." Sam was still shocked. Not only was Dean ready to get back to work, he was willing to let Sam drive his precious baby into town? Right now he'd do pretty much anything Dean asked of him. "Do you want me to go now?"

"Just whenever. Dean answered, setting his keys on the table next to Sam. 

"I'll do a little more research on the case and then I'll go."

"Sounds good," Dean said and turned to walk away. He saw Cas looking at him and he felt a little guilty. Things were just starting to get good between them and he was going on a hunt, leaving Cas behind for a few days. He hoped that Cas understood. He tilted his head towards the kitchen, signaling Cas to follow him. Cas looked over at Sam to see if he'd noticed, but he was too engrossed in his research, and probably would be for awhile. He got up and quietly followed Dean.

"Cas" Dean said when they met up in the kitchen. "You understand why I'm doing this, right?"

Cas nodded and said, "yes Dean, I understand."

Dean ran his hands down his face and looked at the angel. "I just want to make sure that you know...this has nothing to do with last night. I needed last night to happen so that my life can get back to normal. Well, as normal as a hunter's life can be. You brought me back again, Cas. Just like you did years ago. Just like you've always done." He paused and reached for Cas's hand, "we'll only be gone for a couple of days. In and out. We could work a case like this with our eyes closed." He pulled Cas close, knowing that they were safe from Sam's prying eyes...at least for a minute. "I have something to come back to now. Right? I mean...if you're willing to stick around while we're gone."

"Of course I am," Cas whispered. He pressed his body against Dean's. "I don't plan on going anywhere." He nuzzled Dean's neck and wrapped his arms around his waist. When Dean groaned almost silently, Cas ran his hands down to Dean's ass and pulled their hips together.

"Mmmmmm..naughty angel." Dean moaned softly, "But we are only a few feet from my brother...who is awake, and could walk in at any time." He grabbed Cas's face and kissed him hard before he walked out.

Cas smiled. He couldn't believe how perfect everything felt. Yes, he would miss Dean while he was gone. But, Dean wanted him to stay.

Sam was just about to go get the car ready for the hunt when Dean stopped him, "hey, while you're in town why don't you stop at that pizza joint and bring us back some dinner?"

"Sure ," Sam replied. "Sounds good. So, uh, I'll be back in a few."

"Drive her safe Sammy. If anything happens to my baby I will kill you!"

Sam shook his head on his way out the door, "I know Dean, I know."

As soon as the door shut behind him, Dean grabbed Cas's wrist and started dragging him down the hallway. When they passed the bedroom Cas asked, "Dean, where are we going?"

"We're killing two birds with one stone here , Cas. I've been going crazy all day." Dean said when they stopped in front of the bathroom. "I need to shower. I'm still a little sticky from last night which means that you probably need to shower as well. And I want to see you...with the lights on."

Cas boldly walked into the bathroom ahead of Dean and started to unbutton his shirt. Dean was nervous, he didn't know how this was going to work. He didn't know if fumbling around in the dark was a better idea...but he knew that they needed to do this. Cas could feel Dean's hesitation, and he wanted Dean to be comfortable. He leaned forward and hotly whispered, "listen, I'm going to take all of my clothes off and get in the shower. I'll make sure that the water is nice and hot. When and if you are ready...join me."

Cas's brazen approach made Dean's head spin. He never expected the angel to take charge like that. When he finally got his senses back, he saw the pile of clothes on the floor and realized that Cas was already standing under the hot stream in the shower, waiting for him. "here goes nothing," he whispered to himself. He started his clothes off and opened the shower door.

Cas had his back turned to Dean. Dean just stared at how beautiful Cas's body was. He stepped in and poured some body wash in his hand. Slipping his arms around Cas from behind, he started rubbing his chest. "Need some help there Cas?" he whispered in his ear. Cas leaned his body back and said, "I thought you'd never ask." He knew that they needed to take things slow. He didn't want to scare Dean off by turning around. Now that they were standing together, it was on Dean's terms. Dean continued to slide his soapy hands across Cas's chest and down his sides. He could feel himself growing hard and he pulled Cas back against his chest with a low groan.

"Dean?" Cas finally whispered, "do you want me to turn around?"

"Yes...Cas. I want you to look at me."

Cas turned around and they locked eyes. Dean finally moved his eyes down the length of Cas's body. He'd never realized before that they were almost the same height. Cas was thin, but Dean could see the defined muscles on his chest and stomach. There was nothing feminine about him. He had told Dean that he wasn't a man...but he certainly looked like one. And one that Dean wanted to touch. Dean let his eyes move over Cas's body a bit longer, taking in his muscular thighs and finally his rock hard cock. Dean almost couldn't breathe. He took a step back, hitting the wall of the shower where just days before he had stood in despair trying to drink himself to death.

"Dean? Are you okay?" Cas asked, seeing the glazed look in Dean's eyes.

"Cas...I...I..." he stuttered before he reached out and grabbed Cas by the hips. He pressed Cas's body against his own while he explored every inch of Cas's shoulders with his mouth. He ran his hands up and down Cas's back and finally grabbed his ass and pulled their hips together. Cas gasped but moved forward and held Dean against the wall with his body...their cocks pressed against their stomachs. He grabbed a handful of Dean's hair and leaned in to kiss him. It was a hard and needy kiss that took Dean by surprise. "You really are a naughty angel, " he whispered against Cas's mouth.

"You have no idea," Cas whispered back, his blue eyes staring into Dean's. He kissed Dean on the mouth again and then slid his lips down Dean's neck. He heard Dean moan and tilt his head to give Cas better access to the sensitive skin. Cas placed a kiss on the base of Dean's throat and moved his mouth further down, swirling his tongue around Dean's nipple. Dean gasped and Cas bit gently down on it. Dean had grown so big and so hard that it almost hurt. He could feel Cas's mouth leaving a trail of kisses down his chest and stomach. He felt Cas grab his cock and just as he opened his eyes, he saw Cas sink to his knees. With Dean watching, Cas slowly slid his tongue around the head while he gripped the base with his hand. Dean curled his fingers in Cas's hair and watched his head dip while he took as much of Dean in his mouth as he could. He moved his head back and forth a couple of times...licking and sucking, then turned to look up. They locked eyes and Cas continued to slide his mouth along Dean's cock. Dean had never been so turned on in his life. He didn't think that he was going to last very long. Cas reached down and grabbed himself with one hand and started stroking. He continued to work Dean's cock with his mouth, swirling his tongue as he pumped back and forth. He was hoping that Dean was close, because he was almost there and he wanted to know how it felt to come at the same time. He could feel himself throbbing in his hand and he started rubbing himself harder and harder. He knew that he was going to come soon. He moaned and Dean felt it course through his entire body. "Cas he groaned, "I can't hold back anymore. I'm going to come." Cas pushed his head forward and took as much of Dean's cock as he could. He felt the hot come slide down the back of his throat as his own orgasm hit. Dean stood panting with his hands still limply wrapped in Cas's hair. He pulled Cas to his feet and with his hands still in Cas's hair, he leaned forward and kissed him deeply. "Cas , " he panted, "that was incredible."

Cas moved back a few inches so that he could look at Dean. His eyes trailed from the wet dark hair, along the cheekbones, to Dean's full lips. He really was perfect. 

Once Dean regained his breath, they realized that they would be running out of hot water soon. They washed each others bodies and hair, stopping every now and then to get in a quick kiss. Dean finally turned the water off and grabbed two towels. He wrapped one around his waist and gestured for Cas to come stand in front of him. He wiped the water off of every inch of Cas's naked body before he wrapped the towel snuggly around Cas's hips. He felt so calm and peaceful just staring into those bright blue eyes. He wanted to sear the picture of those eyes, the wet dark hair, and the beautiful mouth that had just pleasured him in ways he'd never felt before, into his mind. He wanted to make sure that he always remembered this moment. A moment when he was truly happy.

Sam would be back any minute, so they hurried and got dressed. Cas tried to get all of the water out of his hair so that Sam wouldn't see that they were both freshly showered. After borrowing a pair of Dean's boxers, Cas pulled up his dress pants and buttoned up his white shirt. Dean threw on clean jeans and a t-shirt and went back into the bathroom to let some of the steam out. He wiped off the mirror and for the first time in weeks he looked at himself. He didn't hate the man who was starting back at him. Not anymore. He shut off the bathroom light. Just as he was tossing the damp towels into the hamper, he heard the bunker door open. He took a few minutes to compose himself and then he walked down the hallway.

"Smells good. What'd ya get Sammy?" he asked. He spotted Cas sitting on the couch reading a book, pretending that he was oblivious to the brothers. 

"Uh...one with everything and one pepperoni and mushroom."

"Fantastic!" Dean smiled and took the pizza boxes from Sam's arms. He set them on the counter and yelled, "Hey Cas! Sam grabbed pizza. Do you want any?"

Cas looked over at the brothers and had to bite his cheeks to keep from smiling. He gave them a disinterested shrug and said , "Sure, why not."

"Okay, great" Dean said clapping his hands together. "I will grab some plates and we can get down and dirty with this pre-hunt dinner."

Cas felt a small jolt of sadness when he was reminded that Dean would be leaving in the morning. But it was only for a couple of days. Who knows...maybe Dean would talk to Sam while they were out on the road and explain everything. Maybe when they came back, Dean would openly hold him and touch him instead of sneaking around. Although he had to admit, he was enjoying the sneaking around.

As they ate, Sam glanced over at Dean and thought he saw real happiness in his brother's eyes. He had an idea of what had brought it on, but he honestly didn't care. Just as long as Dean was happy.

Just like the previous night, Sam and Dean left Cas laying on the couch as they headed down the hallway. "So, early start ...right?" Sam asked.

"Yep. Just wake me up once the coffee starts brewing and we can head out."

Sam left Dean at his bedroom door and started walking away. After a seconds pause he stopped and turned around, "Dean?"

Dean looked at his little brother, hoping that he wasn't going to start asking questions. "Yeah Sam?" he replied.

"I'm glad that we're doing this. I'm glad that you feel up to working a case."

Dean just smiled and said, "me too Sammy, me too." and went into his room to wait for Castielunch to come to him.

\----------------------------------------------

Cas waited until he felt like enough time had passed for Sam to fall asleep. He quietly moved down the hallway until he got to Dean's bedroom. He quickly entered and silently pulled the door shut behind him. 

"What took you so long? Dean whispered in the dark.

"Just being cautious."

He moved to the bed and was instantly pulled into Dean's arms. "I'm exhausted Cas...but I can't have you wearing all of those clothes if you are going to lay in my bed with me." Cas reached out and felt Dean's bare skin. He quickly shed his clothes and crawled under the blanket. "Make sure Sam doesn't catch you in here in the morning" Dean whispered.

"I know Dean. I'll keep an eye on the clock." He wrapped his arms around Dean and buried his nose in his hair. He could smell the shampoo and started to think about their shower.

"Um...Cas?"

"Yes Dean?"

"I really am exhausted. Nothing personal but..."

That's when Cas realized that he was hard and pressing against Dean's back. He didn't seem to have any control over his body anymore. Not when Dean was around. "Sorry Dean. I'll just scoot back a little bit and...uh...find something boring to think about."

"Thanks Cas. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Dean" Cas whispered as he leaned over and gently kissed him.

Dean just mumbled sleepily and wrapped his hand around Cas's arms, holding them more tightly against his chest. He knew that he had to be up early, so he tried to ignore Cas's body curled around him. He'd never even consider asking Cas to leave his room. Not now.

After listening to Dean snore softly for a few hours, Cas felt Dean roll over until they were nose to nose. He figured that Dean was still asleep so he just rested his hand lightly on Dean's side and waited for him to start snoring again. Instead he heard, "Cas...I was dreaming about you."

"Nothing bad I hope," Cas said, smiling in the dark.

"Well...the bad part is that I can't sleep. Not when I can feel you against me."

Cas felt disappointed, but he understood. "No problem, Dean. I'll just go into the other room and..."

Dean cut him off whispering, "like hell you will" and he kissed Cas forcefully.

"Dean, you're exhausted. You are leaving in a few hours. You need to sleep." Cas whispered when Dean finally pulled away.

"No Cas, I need to be with you. I'll let Sam drive. It will confuse the fuck out of him." Dean said, kissing Cas again.

They had both been satisfied earlier, so they felt no reason to rush things. They explored each other's bodies with their hands and their mouths. Moaning and gasping. Rolling around on the bed. Dean finally got Cas pinned under him and pressed their hard cocks between their stomachs. He reached up and and grabbed his bottle of lube out of his nightsta. He sat up and straddled Cas between his knees while he rubbed some of the lube on himself, enjoying the feeling of stroking his cock before he started to rub some on Cas. He closed the bottle and set it on the nightstand. Cas started to sit up, "Dean...what are you doing?"

"Sshhh Cas. Just lay back and let me take care of you." Dean repositioned himself between Cas's legs and started slowly sliding back and forth...their cocks side by side, trapped between their bodies. Cas felt Dean's smooth silky skin slide against his and he laid back on the pillows. Dean was holding himself up on his arms over Cas while he rocked his hips against him. Cas ran his hands up and down Dean's arms...loving how strong they were. Dean dropped his weight to his elbows so that their bodies were touching from their chests to their legs. He gently rained kisses down on Cas's forehead and cheeks. Cas could have happily laid there forever, Dean sliding between his legs slowly and gently kissing him.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and lazily ran his fingers up and down his back.

"Cas?" Dean whispered.

"Yes Dean?" Cas responded, loving the deep tremble in Dean's voice.

"This isn't just sex to me. I want you to know that. It means something more."

Tears sprang to Cas's eyes. He wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and pulled his head down for a long and lingering kiss.

Soon their kisses became heated and Dean sped up his rhythm. Cas rocked his hips, trying to match Dean's every movement. He wrapped his arms around Dean and dug his hands into Dean's lower back...pushing and massaging, trying to get their bodies as close as possible. He felt the familiar throbbing and Dean's soul swelled up inside of him. He could feel his grace pushing against Dean's chest from the inside. Their bodies were trying to become one. Dean's breaths were coming fast. Cas stopped moving and wrapped his legs around Dean's.

"Cas, is everything okay?" Dean panted. He had been so close, but he was glad that Cas stopped him. He wasn't ready for this to end. He needed to feel Cas's body against his.

"Everything is fine, Dean. I just want you to try something. I want to feel you inside of me."

Dean'said jaw dropped. He didn't know what to say. After regaining his composure he softly said, "Cas...I've never done that."

"Not even with a woman?" Cas questioned.

"No" Dean answered. "I mean...do you really think you can take it? Do you really want to do this ? Because I'm not sure where to start."

"Start with what feels good. I trust you Dean. I want this."

Dean reached again for the bottle of lube. He laid on his side next to Cas and spread Cas's legs. He leaned down and kissed him. "Promise me that you'll tell me if I'm hurting you." Dean whispered as he poured lube on his fingers.

"I will. I promise." Cas said, running his finger down the side of Dean's perfect face. Dean felt a tingle down his spine as he slid his hand down and gently pressed a finger against Cas's virgin hole. He pressed harder and slipped his finger inside. His cock started to throb when he felt how tight Cas was. He pushed his finger further in and heard Cas gasp.

"Are you okay? Am I hurting you?" Dean asked, searching for Cas's eyes in the dark.

"You're not hurting me..."

Dean dipped his head down and kissed Cas forcefully while he slipped another finger in. He started moving his fingers around and Cas groaned against his mouth. "Cas are you..."

"Dean, you're driving me crazy. I want you inside of me."

Dean moved his fingers again, trying to spread Cas open. He knew that it was going to hurt Cas when he slid his big cock inside, so he'd have to be careful.

"Dean" Cas moaned, "please, I need you."

Dean kneeled between Cas's legs and slid a pillow under Cas's hips. He pressed the head of his cock against Cas. The last thing he wanted to do was to cause him pain, but Cas's small cries and pleas were pushing him over the edge. He slid forward slowly and buried himself inside of Cas's body as Cas cried out. Dean grabbed him by the hips to hold him still. He knew that they needed to wait until Cas was completely relaxed before they went any further. He slowly started to slide himself out, and then slowly moved forward again. Cas rocked his body against Dean's and moaned. Dean bent down and gently kissed Cas and pressed their foreheads together. He could feel Cas's hot breath on his lips. Cas reached up and ran his fingers across Dean's shoulders and down his arms. He wrapped his legs around Dean and they slowly rocked back and forth, touching and kissing wherever they could. Cas could feel Dean's stomach slide against his cock. He tilted his hips up further and Dean found that sweet spot inside of him.

"Dean...right there" he moaned.

The sound of Cas's moan made Dean thrust harder. He was still afraid of hurting Cas, but Cas was tilting his hips...matching Dean's pace.

"Harder Dean...please..." Cas begged, as Dean's cock slid over the sweet spot again.

Dean couldn't control himself anymore. He started thrusting hard and fast. He felt Cas moving beneath him and heard his moans and cries of pleasure. He could feel them both throbbing and straining until they finally exploded at the same time. Cas had to put his hand over his mouth to keep the howls and moans of pleasure from waking up Sam in the next room. Dean buried his face against Cas's neck and cried out. After one final slide against Cas's hard body Dean collapsed on top of him, panting and sweating. Cas threaded his fingers through Dean's damp hair and sighed. He had never felt like this before...and he never wanted it to end.

Dean hoped that Cas couldn't feel the tears that were slowly leaking out of his eyes and down Cas's neck. But he knew that even if Cas couldn't feel them...he'd still know that Dean was crying. He'd sense it.

"It's okay Dean" Cas whispered. "I feel the same way.

Dean lifted his head and looked at the outline of Cas's face, "I meant what I said earlier...this means something to me." He gave Cas one last slow kiss before he rolled off of him. Without saying anything, Cas slipped out of bed and grabbed the towels that Dean had put in his hamper earlier. He wiped both of their bodies clean and laid on his back next to Dean. They quietly laid side by side for awhile before Cas finally spoke, "Dean...its time for me to go. Sam will be up soon."

"Okay Cas, but will you do me a favor?"

"Anything Dean."

"While we're gone, will you lay in here and read instead of on the couch? I want my bed to smell like you when I get home."

"Of course I will, Dean" Cas smiled and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before crawling out of bed and putting his clothes back on. He quietly made his way down the hall and barely made it to the couch when he heard Sam get up.

After a quick goodbye and sly wink from Dean, the brothers were on their way to Oklahoma. Cas started to feel lonely the minute the door shut behind them. He wandered around the bunker, trying to find ways to keep himself busy. He tried to make Sam's papers and books more tidy without getting them out of order. He made sure that all of the dishes had been done. He finally just sat down and watched a movie. He could already feel Dean's soul tremble inside of him. His thoughts drifted to the night before and he smiled. What happened in Dean's room had only strengthened the bond between them. He went into Dean's room to read, like Dean had asked him to. He couldn't focus on the words and ended up laying on the bed, daydreaming about green eyes and full lips. He wrapped Dean's blanket around him and closed his eyes. He replayed the last few days over and over again. It didn't take long for the blood to flow down and his erection began to grow. He considered pleasuring himself, but he wanted to wait and save it for Dean. He finally decided to leave the bunker and go for a walk in the woods.

\--------------------------------------------------

"Hello Castiel" he heard behind him as he walked along dry creek bed. He turned around quickly.

"Raguel? What are you doing here?"

"You need to come with me, Castiel" the angel stated.

"There doesn't seem to be any reason for me to go anywhere." Castiel said, "I know that I'm not exactly welcome up there."

"Jophiel and Ramiel would like to speak to you. You need to come with me "

\--------------------------------------------------

By the time the Winchester brothers reached the cheap motel in Oklahoma...Castiel had disappeared.

\------------------------------------------------

Castiel sat at a table in a large white room by himself. He couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd last seen this room. He had tried to leave p, but they had somehow locked him in. Jophiel and Ramiel walked in and sat across from him.

"Castiel" Ramiel started, "It's been a long time."

"Yes it has. So why am I here?"

Jophiel looked Castiel in the eye and said, "It has been brought to our attention that you directly defied your orders"

"Orders?" Castiel asked, "I haven't beeen given orders."

"This claim is regarding a mission where you were to retrieve a soul from hell. The orders came from the top."

Castiel took a deep breath. Dean. They were talking about Dean "That was a long time ago, Jophiel. Why have you decided to bring me here now?"

"You recently discussed your defiance with a human. And not just any human. You confessed your defiance to Dean Winchester. We know that it was his soul that you were sent to retrieve."

Castiel's mouth dropped open, "but how could you know that?"

"Although you haven't communicated with us in quite some time, your voice can still be heard on Angel Radio occasionally. Your confession was overheard. Not only is it criminal to defy orders, but it was with blatant disregard that you discussed the situation. We have passed this information on to Kushiel. You will be put in holding until Kushiel has had an opportunity to look at your case. You will be contacted at that time."

Two angels appeared, Castiel was not familiar with either one of them but they each held one of his arms. "I'm sorry Castiel, you were once seen as a great warrior and therefore are considered a flight risk. We will be taking you to your room."

Castiel was locked behind a heavy door with just a small pane of glass used by the guards for observation. He curled up in the corner, feeling sick. He had finally found the courage to tell Dean what he had done, and those upstairs whom he had once considered family had heard him. He promised Dean that he would never leave him, but here he was, being held against his will. 

\-------------------------------------------------

"Ah...nothing like ganking nest to get the adrenaline flowing, eh Sammy?" Dean smiled at his brother. They were both covered in vamp blood and still riding high. Sam opened the motel room door and Dean followed him in. He shut the door and looked around. He had spent most of his life in rooms like this. Cheap paneling on the walls. Chipped Formica counters. Saggy mattresses. Heaters and air conditioners that never worked right. Paint peeling in the bathroom. Those things had always felt like home, until they found the bunker. He was anxious to get out of this room and head back home, but he knew that they were both too tired to drive. They needed a good night's sleep. Dean chuckled to himself when he realized that he hadn't really slept in days. He felt Cas's grace flutter. He pressed his hand to his chest.

"Everything okay Dean?" Sam asked.

"What? Yeah Sam. Everything is fine. Why don't you grab the first shower. Just don't use up all of the hot water."

Sam smiled weakly, grabbed clean clothes out of his bag, and walked into the bathroom. Dean felt the fluttering again and sat down. By this time tomorrow he'd be almost home. On his way back to his angel. He'd thought about talking to Sam about Cas. He was just too tired and still wasn't ready. He wasn't ashamed of anything that had happened. He just wanted to keep it to himself for awhile longer. He heard the bathroom door open, "it's all yours," Sam said, wrapping up his blood soaked clothes and putting them in his bag. Dean went into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and could see the bruises that Cas had left on his neck and shoulders. Damnit Cas! He was going to have start being more careful. But Dean smiled remembering how Cas had left those marks before he went down on him in the shower. Dean felt himself starting to get hard. Now was not the time. He turned on the water and stepped into the shower. All he could think about was how good Cas's mouth felt and eventually he was rock hard. He started to slowly rub himself, but he didn't think it was going to work. He needed Cas. It had only been one day and he was already missing him like crazy. Again, he felt the fluttering inside of him. After he finished his cold shower, he flopped on top of one of the beds. The adrenaline from the hunt had worn off and the lack of sleep finally caught up with him. He was asleep when his head hit the pillow.

\--------------------------------------------------

The nightmares came back that night. Dean tossed and turned. He tried to think of beautiful things...but the nightmares wouldn't stop. Now, instead of being chased by horrific things in his dreams...he was alone and searching for something. He had been left behind and couldn't find his way back. He was shaking and sweating. It wasn't until he started crying out that Sam woke up and realized that something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

\--------------------------------------------------

Castiel didn't know how long he had been in that room. Time passed differently up here. But he did know that he was terrified that he'd never see Dean again. He kept trying to think of ways to escape, but they'd recently made things more secure. He was stuck.

Ramiel and Jophiel sat across the table from Kushiel. "So it has been confirmed that Castiel did indeed defy orders and confessed his defiance?" Kushiel asked.

"It was heard by multiple angels on Angel Radio. They have all submitted sworn statements to that effect."

After glancing at the statements, Kushiel nodded, "We all know that Castiel became a bit notorious for his disobedience. If other angels heard him speak of his defiance and he is not punished, we will run the risk of future defiance. We have not completely restored order. We need to send the message that disobedience requires action. Have you spoken to Castiel? Has he laid out a defense?"

Jophiel cleared his throat, "According to Castiel, the defiance occurred long before the apocalypse and other cataclysmic situations that have since arisen. His defiance, while wrong, has in no way impacted heaven. He went on to say that he confided in a trustworthy confidant and is assured that the information will not be used to compromise anybody's safety."

Kushiel stood up, "I think that we all know from experience that the Winchesters cannot be deemed trustworthy. I need time to think. I will let you know when I have reached my decision."

\--------------------------------------------------

Sam didn't know what to do. Dean would not stop crying and shaking. Sam tried to call Cas but he couldn't get a hold of him. He figured that the best thing he could do was to just get Dean home. And fast. He tried calling Cas a few more times while Dean laid across the backseat wrapped in a blanket. Every once in awhile the nightmares would end and he would become lucid, but they always came back. Sam drove as fast as he could. He needed to get his brother back to the bunker.

\-------------------------------------------------

Miniel was peering at Castiel through the observation glass. Castiel hadn't moved from his spot in the corner since Jophiel and Ramiel had spoken to him. They all knew that they were just awaiting a decision. The longer she watched Castiel the more afraid she became. Something was wrong with his grace. It seemed to be slowly dying.

\-----------------------------------------------

Sam pulled the car in front of the bunker and helped Dean to the door. Dean was pale and sweaty. He could barely keep his eyes open and had started complaining of pain the last few miles. Sam got him down the stairs and into his bed. He took Dean's shoes off and pulled the blanket up over him. He pulled Dean's door closed behind him and went out to the living area. "Cas?" He called, "Css? Where in the hell are you?" He checked every room, even the dungeon. There was no sign of Cas anywhere. Sam could not believe it. Cas had disappeared again. He didn't know exactly what had happened over the last few days, but he saw what it had done for Dean. Now Cas was gone again and Dean was in the worst shape that Sam had ever seen. He went back to his brother's room. Dean was clutching his chest. "Oh god Sammy, it hurts. It really fucking hurts." he groaned.

"What Dean? What hurts?"

"The grace" Dean whispered before he passed out again.

Sam spent two days next to Dean's bed, watching his brother suffer like never before, unable to do anything to help him. Every once in awhile he was able to talk but mostly he just asked for Cas and cried about the pain. Sam didn't understand what any of it meant. His anger towards Cas was like a ball of fire in the pit of his stomach. Cas had promised to help Dean. Cas had promised to make things right. They left for two days and poof...he'd disappeared again. When Sam couldn't take watching Dean suffer anymore he'd go out into the other rooms and pace. Occasionally kicking or punching walls and furniture. 

When he noticed that Cas had tried to tidy up the table and put his papers and books in piles, he swept it all onto the floor. He looked up and yelled, "Okay Cas...you angelic piece of shit. I'm guessing that you can hear me. You do realize that I'm watching my brother die...right? Dean is fucking dying! Can you live with that on your conscience? I thought that you fucking loved him. You told me that Dean means everything to you. YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME CAS!!" Sam sunk down to the floor and cried. His head hanging between his knees. He had never been so scared in his life.

\--------------------------------------------------

The angel Miniel had been in the corner listening to Sam. She snuck into Dean's room and rested her hand on his chest. That's when she felt it. Castiel's grace. Somehow a piece of it was inside of this human vessel, attached to it's soul. She could only assume that Castiel held the rest of this human's soul inside of his vessel, attached to his grace. She'd never heard of this before. She didn't know how it could have happened. But she did know that they had to reunite them, and they had to do it quickly. If they didn't...both Castiel and Dean Winchester would die. She needed to speak to Sam Winchester, but no right now, not yet. Sam couldn't be of any help unless he knew the severity of the situation. All she could do was to calm Dean for awhile while she went and checked on Castiel. She took a deep breath and rested her hand on Dean's head. The pain and torment were unbearable.

\-------------------------------------------------

When Sam returned to Dean's room, Dean was sitting up in bed. "Dean? Dean? Can you hear me?"

Dean was bleary eyed and confused. His chest hurt and he felt hollow, "I can hear you Sammy" he said hoarsely. 

"Dean, you need to tell me what is going on ."

"I don't know, Sam. Where's Cas?"

Sam knew that now was not the time to sugarcoat, "Cas disappeared Dean. He's gone."

"Cas wouldn't leave. He can't leave." Dean cried, clutching his chest. "He's my puzzle piece."

Sam was confused, "Your what? Your puzzle piece? What does that mean?"

Dean tried to look his brother in the eye, "Sam, when Cas raised me from hell he defied his orders. He tried to heal me and ended up with a piece of my soul, and I ended up with a piece of his grace. That's why it hurts so much when he leaves. He actually has a part of me. "

A lot of things fell into place for Sam.

"But I fucked up Sammy. I seriously fucked up."

Sam could see that he was starting to lose Dean again. "What do you mean? How did you fuck up?"

"We made love Sam. I know that you don't want to hear that, but it happened. We connected and I think that my soul is dying without him. I know that it sounds dramatic, but it's true."

Sam wasn't really surprised to hear that Dean and Cas had made love. He had his suspicions. But this soul/grace thing? He didn't understand. 

"Dean? Dean? Hey buddy, stay with me. What can I do? What do you need?"

Dean limply fell back to his pillows and curled up in the fetal position mumbling, "it hurts p, Sammy. It hurts so fucking bad." Just before he passed out he whispered, "Cas. I need Cas. I can't..."

Sam walked out of Dean's room with tears pouring down his face. Dean was going to die. He had no doubt now. He was going to have to give his brother a hunter's funeral. Sam suddenly sensed that he wasn't alone. He turned around, every fiber of his being hoping that it was Cas, but it wasn't. A small blonde woman was standing in the center of the room. "Sam Winchester?" She asked.

\---------------------------------------------

"Yeah...I'm Sam. And you are?"

"My name is Miniel. I'm an angel of love and we need to talk."

Sam paced while Miniel talked. When she was done telling her story, Sam stopped and turned to her, "So what you are telling me is that Cas was taken and is being tried for defiance? That this soul/grace thing is legit? And that basically now that they have made the connection, they will die without one another?"

"I've never heard of souls and grace being mixed but I can feel your brother's soul in Castiel, and I can feel Castiel's grace in your brother's soul. We need to get them back together, and we need to do it now. We have very little time."

Sam swallowed hard, "Okay...so what do I need to do?"

Miniel handed him a piece of paper. "You need to go out into the woods, about 100 paces. By the creek bed. You need to carve these sigils into the ground. It will open a portal. The portal will only stay open for a matter of minutes and the sigils will only work one time. We need to move quickly. We will open the portal in one hour. If we are able to rescue Castiel, I will bring him to you." and then she disappeared.

Sam ran to Dean's room. Dean was still clutching his chest and barely breathing. His lips were starting to turn blue. Sam shoved the paper in his pocket and ran outside. He found the spot that the angel had described. He checked his watch and started to very carefully scratch the sigils into the ground with his long knife. He completed the design with 10 minutes to spare. Now he just had to wait...

\--------------------------------------------------

When Miniel returned to heaven, she tracked down Jophiel. "We need to send Castiel back to earth." she told him. 

"Kushiel has not reached a decision. We cannot move Castiel anywhere."

"Follow me" Miniel demanded and started walking towards the rooms where they kept their prisoners, "Look through that window Jophiel. Tell me what you see."

Jophiel looked and could see Castiel lying in the corner. His grace was fading. Castiel was dying .

"It is a long story, Jophiel. Yes, Castiel did defy his orders. But he defied them a long time ago and as he has said, there have been no repercussions to anyone other than himself...and Dean Winchester. Unless we can reunite them right now, they will both die. Can you watch that happen Jophiel? You have the means to take Castiel from this room. I am a witness that when you tried to speak to Castiel, he overpowered you and escaped."

Jophiel thought for a moment. Yes, Castiel had disobeyed, but what lesson was it teaching the others if they let him die in a cell while a human died on earth? "Okay Miniel, I will open the door. Find Theliel and have him help you. Take Castiel to the room at the end of the hallway. I will send you through the portal. I'm guessing that you made arrangements for the other side?"

"Yes. Sam Winchester is waiting to take Castiel."

"Get Theliel and move quickly. I will meet you back here. Let Theliel know that after Castiel has been delivered to earth, we will need to sit down and get our story straight. We do not want Kushiel making an example of us."

"Thank you, Jophiel."

Miniel found Theliel and gave him a very short explanation. They met Jophiel at Castiel's room and Jophiel opened the door. Miniel and Theliel crossed the room and picked Castiel up off of the floor. He was in worse condition than she had thought. They ran to the end of the hallway and she held Castiel against her as Jophiel sent them through the portal. 

Sam had to cover his eyes and ears when Miniel appeared. Once he could finally open them he saw Cas lying at her feet. "Is he alive?"

"I'm not sure." Miniel answered, "I cannot feel his grace. Good luck Sam."and again, she disappeared.

\---------------------------------------------

Sam picked Cas up and hurried towards the bunker. He ran down the stairs holding Cas's limp body, and laid him on the bed next to Dean. He put his hand on Cas's chest...but could feel no heartbeat. He put his ear to Cas's mouth, but could feel no breath. He looked at Dean and saw that Dean's eyes had rolled back into his head and his skin was pure white. Sam figured that if there was any life left in either one of them, they needed to share it. He took their clothes off and turned their bodies facing one another, limbs intertwined. He covered their cold skin with multiple blankets and waited.

Sam sat next to Dean's bed for hours on end. Every once in awhile he would get up to eat something or grab a wet washcloth to wipe over their faces. Neither one of them had moved. He couldn't feel a heartbeat when he pressed on their chests. Their skin was cold and their lips were blue. He cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore, and then he just shook silently in despair. He had never been more alone. He usually called for Cas when Dean needed help...but Cas was gone. Dean was gone. Sam knew that he had to accept it. He just hoped that they knew that they had been together at the end.

Sam sat at the table with one of Dean's bottles opened in front of him. He now understood why Dean drank so much. When Dean had lost Cas...he had to be numb in order to mourn. Sam had lost both Dean and Cas. He knew that he'd never come back from this. He almost couldn't bear to go into Dean's room anymore. The sight of the two of them locked in an embrace was too much. Sam took a drink straight out of the bottle and started to pray. Not to Cas...to anyone. Anyone who would listen, but he knew that nobody was there. Nobody could hear him. With a resigned sigh he dropped his head and started making plans for a hunters funeral. He couldn't decide what to do about Cas. He wasn't a hunter...but if his love for Dean was so deep that it killed him...he deserved one. Sam figured that's what Dean would want. While he was making a list of things that he would need, hardly able to see the paper through the tears, he heard a soft fluttering behind him. 

\-----------------------------------------------

"Hello Sam," Miniel whispered. Sam looked at her and dropped his head. 

"You don't know how much I appreciate what you did for Dean. For Cas." he said between sobs. "I know that you took a heavy risk, but I don't want you to feel like your efforts were pointless. I know that they truly loved each other, and at least they were together in the end."

Miniel took a step towards Sam, "I wish I could save them, heal them, but I can't. There is no way to heal an incomplete soul or regenerate incomplete grace. I checked the lore Sam. Nothing like this has ever happened before. No angel has ever possessed the soul of a man while that man possessed the grace of the angel. I wanted you to know that I want to help you. Unfortunately, nothing can be done. I am sorry." and she disappeared.

Sam rested his head on his arms and cried. He cried harder than he ever had. He thought he felt pain when he lost Jess, but it was nothing like this. All he could do now was prepare them for the funeral.

\-----------------------------------------

Dean slowly walked out of the black tunnel into a hazy gray fog. He could hardly see. His body was freezing, his limbs uncoordinated, and he could barely hold his head up. All he knew was that he needed to find it. He didn't even know what 'it' was...he just knew that he had to keep searching. He kept running through the fog, but he felt like he was just going in circles. No matter where he went, he always ended up at the opening of the tunnel. He'd look down the tunnel. Sometimes he even felt drawn to it, but he never stayed for long. He just kept looking. Every once in awhile he thought he heard a voice, really nothing more than a rhythmic rumble, but he couldn't make out what it was saying. He had to keep looking. Eventually it became harder and harder to stay in the fog. He was so afraid. He did know that if he did go back down the tunnel, then his search would end. He felt like he had been walking for days, months, maybe years. Time passed differently here. He was starting to lose energy. He was starting to believe that he'd never find it. "One more time around and then I'll stop. I'll go back to the tunnel." he thought. He had stopped running and just walked. His legs felt heavy and everything hurt. He could barely hold his head up. He was crying and he didn't know why. All he knew was that when he turned the next corner, his search would end. He came to the final cotner, resigned to the fact that he could search no longer. It was time to go back down the tunnel. But through the thick fog, he could see something. A shape. A form of some kind. He slowly moved towards it, wondering if this is what he had been searching for. It was the body of a man...a man who was barely conscious. Dean leaned down to touch him. He couldn't even feel the cold flesh under his freezing hands. The man started to move slowly and make guttural noises. Dean sat down and tried to help him move. He couldn't just leave him here. The fog seemed to be getting thicker and the air seemed to be growing colder. Dean knew that he didn't have much time. He rolled the man towards him and looked down. Suddenly the fog started to recede and Dean could see. Dean could clearly make out the bright blue eyes, wet dark hair, and beautiful mouth. It was Cas. His Cas. He wrapped his cold arms around his angel.

\--------------------------------------------------

Sam had gathered up all of the logs that he needed for the funeral pyre. He had decided not to disturb Dean and Cas. He would leave them as they were. Together in death before they even had the chance to be together in life. With shaky hands he started to wrap the sheets around them. Sam had never felt this empty before. He reached out to touch his brother's cold face one last time. He could have sworn he saw Dean's eyelid flutter. He knew that his mind was probably playing tricks on him. He wanted so desperately to believe that there was still something inside of his brother. He bent down, whispered, "Dean?", and waited. Dean's eye seemed to flutter again. Sam sat back heavily in the chair that he had occupied for day. He rubbed his eyes and leaned forward to stare at the two men. Dean's eye fluttered again and Sam could have sworn that he heard a sound come from Dean's lips. Sam jumped out of the chair and leaned over the bed. He put his hand on Dean's face. It was probably wishful thinking, but Dean's skin felt warmer. He grabbed some more blankets and sat back in the chair. If none of this was real, then he would finish building the funeral pyre tomorrow. If it was real, if there was something inside of Dean, Sam wasn't going to leave his side.

\--------------------------------------------------

Dean could feel Cas's body against him. He was cold...so cold. And he was barely moving. As exhausted as he was, Dean tried shaking Cas. "Cas...you need to wake up. We need to go." Dean didn't know where they were going...but he knew that his search had ended. He found what he was looking for. He stood up and pulled Cas's arm across his shoulder so that he could help him walk. Dean didn't have the strength to carry him. "Cas, man...you can do this. I need you. I need you to wake up so that we can get out of here." He started dragging Cas through the maze...looking for the way out. They wandered for what felt like hours when he heard that deep rumble again. That voice. He stopped moving and still holding Cas against him, he tried to make out what the voice was saying.

\---------------------------------------------------

"Dean?" Sam said, looking at his brother's pale face. "Dean, if you are in there. If you are anywhere in there at all then please, please let me know." he sobbed. "I can't do this alone. You told me once that there ain't no me if there ain't no you. You were right, Dean. I know that for all of these years, probably all of our lives, you thought that I was the smart one. That maybe people respected your college kid brother more than you. But Dean..." he broke, "we both know that's not true. Please man...I am begging you...please just come back. I can't do this alone..." he cried out as he fell across the blankets covering Dean and Cas's bodies, "please...you can't leave me." he stopped with a whisper. This time he swore that he felt Dean move. He could have sworn that he felt Dean tremble. And then he heard it. Barely anything more than a soft breath, "Sammy?" Sam jumped up and stared at his brother. "Dean...Dean I'm here. I'm right here. Come back Dean. Find Cas and come back." Sam just kept talking, hoping that his brother could hear him. He talked for hours.

\------------------------------------------------

Dean recognized that voice. That was Sam. His brother Sam. He needed to get to him. He needed to find him. Cas was heavy against his body but he couldn't let him go. He just kept wandering through the maze and the fog slowly thinned. "Hurts..." Cas whispered in his ear. "I know that it hurts Cas, but stay with me man. Come on. Stay with me. We need to keep moving. I'm not leaving you. Stay with me. We can do this." They kept circling around the maze, through the same hallways. Each time they passed the tunnel, the entrance seemed to be growing smaller. Dean was exhausted. He wanted to stop for a minute and sit down, but he knew that he couldn't. He knew that if he let go of Cas...Cas would slip away from him. When Dean turned the next corner, he just stopped and held Cas tightly against him. The fog was lifting. It almost looked like sunshine was slowly creeping it's way across the walls of the maze. Then he heard Sam, "Come back to me Dean. Find Cas and come back." He tried calling out. He wanted Sam to hear him. "Sammy! " he yelled over and over again, the sound of his voice echoing throughout the maze. He yelled for as long as he could. Yelling and holding Cas up wasome finally taking it's toll on Dean. Just as the sunlight started creeping towards them...he collapsed. The last thing he did was pull Cas to him before everything went dark.

\--------------------------------------------------

Sam was shaking. He knew what he saw. He knew what he'd heard. But Dean hadn't moved or made a sound for hours. Sam started pacing. There was no instruction manual on how to deal with this. He didn't have anybody that he could talk to. He was on his own. He had his back to the bed when he heard Dean, "Sammy..."

Sam ran to the bed and knelt down, "Yes. Yes Dean. I'm here. I'm right here." Dean let out a small groan and pulled Cas closer to him. "Talk to me Dean. Please. Come on man. Say something." Sam begged.

"Cas? I looked for him, Sam." Dean whispered.

"Cas is here Dean. He's with you. Can you feel him?"

"Cas isn't here." Dean whispered as tears slid down his face. "I trief."

Sam saw Dean's body go limp again, but this time he could feel a faint heartbeat when he pressed his brother's chest. But...when he touched Cas...still nothing. As happy as happy as Sam was to see Dean alive...he knew that Cas needed to come back too. He didn't really understand the whole soul/grace thing, he just knew that Dean needed Cas. Sam tried talking to Cas. He tried covering him with more blankets. He could see the color slowly coming back to Dean's face. His lips weren't blue anymore and even though he only took shallow breaths he was breathing. But Sam knew that it was Dean who needed to bring Cas back. "Dean, man if you can hear me, you need to bring Cas back with you. Please Dean. Hold on to him. Don't let go. Come on Dean. You can do this. You have to do this." Sam started sobbing again. Without Cas, Dean would go back to his self destructive ways, or worse. If Cas didn't come back...Dean wouldn't be able to handle it. Dean wouldn't survive.

Sam just sat and stared at the figures on Dean's bed for hours. He didn't even know how long he had been in there. He didn't know how long it had been since they got back from Oklahoma. He did know that if he could get Cas and Dean through this...it was going to take a long time to recover. He didn't care. He was willing to do whatever he needed to do. He heard rustling coming from the bed. He stood up to go check and once again Dean was pulling Cas tighter against him. But Cas...Cas looked different. Sam turned on the bedside lamp and leaned down. Cas's lips weren't blue anymore. He pressed his hand against Cas's chest and although it was faint...he thought he could feel a heartbeat. Sam began to cry. A mixture of relief and pure exhaustion. He couldn't leave the room, but he hadn't slept in days. He needed to lay down. He set up an old army cot in the corner and pulled a blanket over himself. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow. 

Dean opened his eyes slowly. He didn't know where he was. He didn't know what had happened. His head was pounding and he couldn't lift his limbs. He wanted to sit up, but he couldn't move. That's when he realized that he was at home, in his bed, holding Cas. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep in a cheap motel in Oklahoma. He wondered where Sam was. "Sam?" he called hoarsley. Suddenly Sam was leaning over him.

"Dean? You're here with me? You can hear me, right?"

"Yeah Sammy, I'm here."

Sam let out a deep sigh and just stared at his brother. Dean couldn't move...he couldn't even open his eyes all of the way. But he was alive! "Do you need anything? Water? Do you want me to go get you some water?"

"Yeah Sammy, water."

Sam jumped up and ran to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and headed back to Dean's room. "Can you move, Dean?"

"Not really." Dean whispered. Now that he could see the bottle of water in Sam's hand he realized how thirsty he was.

Sam leaned over and dripped some water into Dean's mouth. After a few swallows, Sam stepped back, "I don't want you to get sick. I'll give you more here in a little bit."

"How far have I been out?" Dean whispered.

"I'm not really sure. 4 or 5 days. Maybe longer."

"And Cas?" Dean asked.

"Um...about the same" Sam looked worried. Cas hasn't moved yet, Dean. His heart started beating again, but he hasn't moved."

"Heart beating? What are you talking about Sam?"

"Dean" Sam said, looking into his brother's eyes, "neither one of you had a heartbeat for days. You weren't breathing.

"I was..." Dean said, his voice growing hoarse again.

"Yes Dean...I lost both of you . .."

"But Cas, he's breathing. I can feel him." Dean said.

"I know Dean. You came back before he did. I think you brought him back. He may just need more time."

Tears welled up in Dean's eyes, "so sorry Sammy" he whispered quietly. "So sorry."

Sam put his hand on Dean's arm, just below the handprint shaped scar on his shoulder, "Dean, you don't need to be sorry. You're back. Cas will be back. Here...drink some more water and then rest."

Dean drank the water, pressed his face against Cas, and closed his eyes.

\-----------------------------------------------

It must have been hours since Dean closed his eyes. When he opened them he saw the most beautiful shade of blue that he had ever seen. "Cas?" he whispered weakly. Cas just looked at him and blinked. "You're back..." Dean smiled, pulling Cas closer. Sam walked in and saw the two men staring at one another. "Cas! Oh my god." He gasped and dropped the water bottle he was bringing to Dean. "You did it Dean." Sam smiled.

"Did what?" Dean asked, lifting his head off of the pillow a couple of inches.

"You brought Cas back." Sam broke down sobbing and had to prop himself against the wall. His legs gave out and the slid until he was sitting on the floor. "I was planning your funeral yesterday."

Cas's eyes opened wide. "What?"

"Aw shit, I dropped the water. You're probably pretty thirsty Cas. Let me go grab you a bottle." When Sam got back to the room, Dean had pulled himself into a sitting position and held his hand out. Sam handed him the bottle, "You sure Dean?"

"I'm weak and damn near everything hurts, but I can't keep laying here."

Sam watched Dean tenderly prop Cas's head up to give him some water. He saw how Cas looked at Dean with such trust in his eyes. When Cas finished drinking, Dean gently laid his head back on the pillow and brushed a lock of hair off of his forehead. Sam felt like he was imposing but he was fascinated. He had never seen Dean so gentle. Dean leaned across Cas to set the water bottle on the nightstand. He laid back down and shifted until he had Cas's head on his chest. Sam could hear Dean murmuring soft words while he kissed the top of Cas's head. They really can't live without one another Sam realized.

By the next morning both Cas and Dean were able to sit up and move around. Dean realized that Sam had been the one who took their clothes off and put them into bed together. He wasn't embarrassed like he thought he'd be but he knew that Cas was. Dean reassured him many times that if Sam hadn't...they wouldn't have made it. Sam did what he had to do. As if on cue, Sam walked in with toast and juice. "Hey Cas, how are you feeling?" He would ask them just about anything to hear them talk. He'd already gotten rid of the logs that he had gathered for the pyre. They had both come back to him and he couldn't be happier. 

"To tell you the truth Sam, I feel horrible. But I'll heal." he responded, leaning against Dean.

Sam just smiled and set the tray down on the nightstand. "You guys let me know if you need anything." He shut the door behind him when he left Dean's room. He knew that they could take care of themselves.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and kissed the top of his head. Cas turned his head so that Dean could kiss him properly.

PROLOGUE 

It took a couple of months for Dean and Cas to fully recover. Sam just smiled at the way his brother helped Cas through the worst of it. He'd never seen Dean like that. So gentle and so loving. He would wrap Cas in blankets and hold him close. He would talk softly and reassure Cas when the memories , the fear, set in. Sam knew that his brother had finally found the happiness that he had been searching for. And Sam was able to keep himself busy. He sat down and wrote the lore of a human and an angel forever bonded.


End file.
